meet my friend, perspective

I am the oldest of 4 children. I grew up in a happy home with parents who are still married today. We went to church every Sunday and I spent my time playing house with my sisters and doing gymnastics. I always thought we would grow up to be sort of the same- same lifestyle, same view, same morals and beliefs. That we would all get married and have babies and be best friends. However we didn't- we are all very different and though I love them all I struggle with the whole family unity aspect. For example, my baby sister is a drug addict. She struggles daily and isn't in a place where she can accept the help we are so desperately trying to give her. The things she has and is going through are unimaginable and it kills me to see the path she is on.

Where am I going with this? It is all about perspective. I call my mom almost daily and half of the time in tears because I am so overwhelmed with my life. My house isnt clean enough, I ruined dinner last night, I cant fit into my clothes, my toddler is trashing my house and my emotional health, and I don't feel like my baby gets enough attention because he just gets the leftovers- a tired, cranky, worn out mom who's not fun to be around and is too frazzled to let the mama milk flow.

Then my mom ever so gently reminds me that I know where they sleep at night and how they spend their days. It hits me like a ton of bricks every single time. I can hug my babies, I can kiss their foreheads and smell their fresh-from-the-bath skin. I can play with them in the messy house I complain about and I can feed them ppb&j when I over salt the mac and cheese. They are here and they are safe.

I have friends and family who have angel babies in heaven, who have watched loved ones pass away, who have dealt with disease and sickness, who have struggled with things I can't even imagine. When I look around at the struggles other face I realize that I should gladly except my own. And when I think I can't possibly handle another minute I need to remember that I was given what I could handle and this life is for teaching and growing.

I shouldn't get so obsessed with perfection- in my house, with my kids, in my marriage, with myself. I should just love what I have and try my best to be better with the help of the Lord. I should be grateful for the little things. Sure Ryan accidentally punched me in the face (he was dancing?!) but when I was crying on the couch he came over and hugged my arm and asked to kiss it better. In a moment when I was filled with rage and pain I had to focus on the sweetness of my boy.

But friends, it is really freaking hard. When quiet time has turned into an hour of non stop screaming at the top of ones lungs in his room while I try to keep the baby focused on the boob, and then scramble to clean up  50 messes so I can make a new one when I cook dinner, all perspective goes right out the window. In that moment, NOTHING can be more unbearable.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Then I take it one step further. In the long run, the fact that Ryan stopped napping regularly (I get on average one a week now) in may wont matter. Or that he refuses to eat any meal I prepare and lives on mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. I should just let it go. But then I have this irrational fear that if I do let it go, my children will grow up to be menaces of society because I let them get away with stuff as young children. I am a pretty strict parent but I break after hours and hours of fighting with him and then my mom pulls the perspective card again. Go get him from his room and just hold him. I know he is making you livid but he will only be three for a very, very short time. This phase will pass more quickly than you can ever imagine. Enjoy it while it is here.

I need to live in the moment more and enjoy the phase we are IN. I need to stop dreaming of the someday because when I am in my "someday" I will wish for another. I need to find the balance between having rules and raising respectful, responsible children, and then realizing that sometimes you just have to let go and live- take advantage of every passing minute and not waste my days in timeouts and stubborn stand offs.

It has already been 4 years since I got pregnant with Ryan. It still feels like yesterday when I saw a positive pregnancy test on the edge of the bathtub. These moments are going faster than I realize in the heat of it. This rant has been a lot of "I should" and "I need" I am going to make it "I am"

So I'm a bit up tight.

Oh hey there. So hubs and I lay in bed and talk every night like we are 12 at a sleepover. Last night we were up til 2am- sorry kids, we were really tired and out of it this morning! 

One of the things we talk about is our pet peeves. He was joking that I should just start a running list because mine are never ending. I am so neurotic and up tight. Sorry ya'll. 

dirty floors aka dirty feet. eww.

unkempt hair on boys/men. get some moose or something

burping in public

when people have their own process or way of doing things that is different from mine

when parents take their kids to winco at 11:00pm. PUT THEM TO BED 

pj pants in public. put on some yoga pants at least

bad body odor 

poor grammar and incorrect spelling. use spell check.

painfully slow drivers

tv commercials 

bad tasting or even bland food

waking up early

when my kids dont nap (drive me insane) 

fidgeting or constant shaking

sweaty feet

feet being tucked in the sheets at the end of the bed

only sleeping with one pillow

warm milk

rain

when my computer or phone run slow

ignorance

wearing glasses- I need them but they bug my face so much

allergies. ugh. 

pumping my own gas. thank you oregon 

when I sit down to dinner and my food is cold

when my hair is flat

chipped nail polish

when places of business dont take credit/debit cards

catty girls

lying or "omitting" the truth

when I wake up at 5am starving and cant go back to sleep til I've eaten (happens all to often)

actually just being hungry in general, I get crabby

doing dishes

laying down in bed only to realize I forgot to fill my water bottle and/or turn the fan on

when people all the sudden have a shopping cart and think that they are the ONLY one in 

the store aka costco

bad parking jobs

when you get your hair done and it costs more than you anticipated 

when people talk REALLY loud and they dont need to

bad dreams. for real, I wanted to sleep and now I cant!

when Ryan walks into my room all ninja style and I wake up to him staring at me

leaving lights on 

or cabinets/draws open

not wiping out the sink after doing dishes 

when girls get complimented and they argue about it. "oh no I dont look pretty, I feel..." 

Just say thank you, be graceful.

indifference 

people not pulling over for sirens (ambulance, police, firetruck)

OKAY woah. Its safe to say I could go on. I should also state that if any of my friends happen to do these things I dont mind I love you anyway. I get over it. Mostly they just bug me when its happening to ME. 

my 2 yr old reads my blog

We have been working on letters and number for a while now but I had no clue that he was actually reading until today. He must have gone on the computer while I was taking a potty break or eating breakfast and read how wonderful and sweet he has been and decided that was just crazy cakes.

Today the crazy, whinny, unstoppable ryan reared his not so cute head and OH baby I am ready for bed! Well I have an icky sick bug so I have been ready for bed since I got up this morning.

We went to our go-to list of things to do on days like this. Target and the mall where daddy's store is. Everything in between was poor parenting on my part because I let the xoom tablet take care of him most of the day. shhhhh dont tell.

High lights were getting my Zofran filled for FREE because they didnt have the whole prescription?! Go target pharmacy!

The lady at Mcdonalds in the food court telling me the meal I requested came with 2 cheeseburgers and if this was okay... um take a guess?!

Hub's manager taking one look at me stuffing down my 1st burger and saying "holy cow that (the belly) happened fast" why yes, I do feel like a cow, thank you.

However being as big as a farm animal has its perks.. I am sitting here typing away and watching my belly roll and wiggle non stop! Baby boy has been on the go constantly the last 2 days. I feel like this is a sign of things to come.

Ryan being a rockstar at the chiropractor this morning and insisting on getting adjusted on the grown up table instead of the one painted like an elephant. Afterward he strengthened his neck like daddy...

Okay today wasnt THAT bad after all............. :)

28 weeks

Offically into the third trimester and I again realize that I hate being pregnant. I love, love, love having babies so it is sort of a problem. Reasons I hate being pregnant include and are not limited to-
nausea (STILL!)
leg cramps
insomnia at night
headaches
back aches
constipation (dont pretend like it didnt happen to you!)
peeing every 30-45 minutes (I would get so much more done if this wasnt an issue)
swelling hands and feet
jiggly butt
belly button poking out like mt. everest
cant sleep on my back
heart burn
hair. lots of it. everywhere
cant reach my feet to put socks and shoes on
braxton hicks so bad I cant breathe
cant bend over to pick up ryan or unload the dishwasher
climbing in and out of the car is like an olympic sport
walking up stairs feels like running a marathon
prenatals make me barf
CRAZY dreams
my babies getting stuck in breech positions
baby trying to claw his way out of my body, his moving around is SO painful, not sweet and cute
boobs a little further south than before.
the smells.... oh the awful smells of everything.
crying over everything

This is a pretty accurate depiction of how I felt all day. Good bye second trimester, you were okay. I hate you third tri but one step closer to holding my other boy in my arms. 11 weeks. Hells yes.

And crazy me I will most likely do this again in a few years.... oh dear.

Why I dont allow spongebob

Earlier today a debate on Spongebob came up on my facebook feed came up and I figured this was an appropriate place to share my views. In no way am I trying to convince people to swing this way this is my blog and I will talk about what I want. If you dont like it or are offended then click that little red X up in the corner and walk away :)  Thank you!

The other day we were skimming through Netflix with Ryan and he started flipping out asking and pointing at the TV yelling BOB BOB! Hubs and I had no clue what he was talking about til I put the puzzle pieces together in horror. Spongebob. My sweet, innocent, pure minded little boy has caught the spongebob square pants fever and I am NOT okay with it. We dont allow it in our house and hes not allowed to watch it anywhere else so I am really frustrated that somehow he knows this little yellow dude by name and even came over while I started typing this and said "me bob bob mom!" I feel like I cant let him out of the house now. I am supposed to have control over what he is exposed to for a few more years, I am relishing in his innocence and what baby-ness is still left. 

I had a few people pipe up with why spongebob? My kids watch it and love it! Ryan loves candy and could eat it all day long that doesnt mean its good for him and I will let it fly. Thats great for you guys, as parents we get to decide what we will expose our kids to and what we chose not. Its my parental right to ban certain things from my home. Things I also ban include any sort of toy gun or anything weapon related among other things. We have firearms in our home locked away safe and in my mind they are not things to be confused with toys. Just like spongebob is not age appropriate for babies and toddlers. Dont believe me... read this lovely gem I was sent today by one of my favorite rock star mama's. 

Reasons I hate bob bob include and are not limited too crass humor, potty and fart jokes, bad attitude, and over all negativity. There is only a little part of me that doesnt like it because its annoying. Hells bells, have you watched Gabba lately? People tend to group them into one category of "I let my kids watch this or I dont" but for me they are different. No one ever belches or hits each other or yells NO in defiance on gabba. Sure they are silly and somewhat irritating but the episodes are kind and educational. Now if you dont want your children watching it more power to ya I dont care. 

I dont think its age appropriate for children and extremely inappropriate for babies and toddlers. Lets let our kids stay little, be silly, be kind, enjoy simple things in life. They have a lifetime of burping and and farting and other crap to deal with. We personally deal with pooping and farting enough already in this house and if his beloved bob bob can do it in squidworths face then why would it not be okay for him to do it in mine? There are so many other things to watch on TV that are happy, uplifting and encouraging why not fill their time with those shows if they are going to watch TV in the first place. 

All of the other things I want to say on the subject I wont, be happy about that. I am one fire up mama at the moment. 

should have been a twin

When I first got a positive pregnancy test with Monkey, hubs and I both thought that maybe it could be twins. At 8 weeks I had an ultrasound and the first thing I asked the tech was "how many are in there?" well you all know there was just one little crazy monkey but 2 years later I still wish he was a twin. We even had 2 boy names picked out it would have been great. The unused name is on the docket for jelly bean ;)

I know it would be hard for the obvious twin reasons, 2 babies and ONE mama. Both infants crying at the same time, both poopy or hungry at the same time. 2 kids to juggle out in public and so on. He was hard enough that I feel like I could have handled it. Plus I had more than enough milk to go around I could have happily nursed 2 babies.

He is just not happy alone, ever. He doesnt read alone, play alone, color alone, or anything. He is never in a room alone for more than a minute til he has to come find me. If he has a friend over or I am watching baby J he is totally fine! It is exhausting him needing me to be touching him at all times and completely involved in whatever he is doing or him "helping" me with whatever. I wish he just had a buddy his age to play with and to keep him company. I know that at 2 they wouldnt really play TOGETHER but just having someone else in the house would change up our mix a bit.

I think he would have slept better as an infant. I would have kept them in the same bed as long as possible, he always loved someone to cuddle with. As he got older he could have a sibling to stare at from the bumbo seat and to roll around on the floor with.

I am so excited that we are having another boy. It will be a while before they can really enjoy each others company but I think Jelly Bean will like watching Ryan run around and play and he is going to love having someone to show his toys too (but that wont take them away for a while) I could NEVER imagine having only one child. It would be so lonely for them growing up! I am ready for this baby to get here and I hope to have lots more after him!

I know its not good to dwell on "what isnt" but its been on my mind forever and just wanted to get it out. I know moms of twins are probably rolling their eyes right now but be nice. I know my kid and I know it would have been good. But I also believe in God and know that He knows what He is doing when He sends babies to this house and its the way it is supposed to be.

filler

I think this counts as a filler post but oh well. Trying out a new commenting system and hoping it works and is easier than the poo blogger gives us to use.

Oh yeah, and I climbed my big pregnant butt into ryans crib and took a nap with him in there today. Thats how we parent in THIS house baby.

Leave a comment and let me know how it goes.

the most annoying thing ever

A friend showed me this today after hanging out with Ryan the entire day. 4 out of 7 days a week this is what its like at our house from sun up to sun down. The other 3 it comes in bursts but he is okay the rest of the day.

Exhausted  is the understatement of the century.

I must add unlike Lois- I answer him "what Ryan" every time.

I also have heart burn so bad I think it's burned a whole in my throat.

he took off his diaper in his crib

Just need to vent a bit if you dont want to read about it just skip on pass :)

Yesterday rocked. Yesterday my son exhibited some self control and independence. That is a rare bird my friends. Today he is back to being on his royally worst behavior ever. Sadly this is more typical than the great days.

Daddy has a Xoom tablet. Daddy taught Ryan how to search for youtube videos, play games, browse through pictures, and video call our friends. Great for the short moments here and there when its appropriate. It CAN be a great babysitter for a minute when you need one. However Ryan is really obsessive over everything techy. Ryan had a 2 hour tantrum after daddy left for work because he couldnt play the game I wouldnt let him touch any of my computers or phone. 2 hours people. Non stop whining, kicking, screaming, CLIMBING ON me. Nothing distracted him nothing worked at all.

Finally it was nap time. Ryan played and cried off and on in his bed for an hour til he somehow pulled the toy story tent up from behind his crib (yeah I have no idea how that happened) and opened it up inside his bed. Then he pooped. Then I changed him and put him back to bed sans tent. He screamed for an hour.

Got him up and he decided he didnt want clothes on. We had a power struggle for 20 min to get a diaper on. He wanted to watch a movie I wouldnt put on on til he had at least something on. So I sat there reminding him of the deal while he freaked out for a while. Once the diaper was on I had to keep one hand him at all times to keep clothes on him. If I answered the phone, got up to go to the bathroom, switched over the laundry BAM he was nude.

Nap round 2. Epic fail. I put him in his bed out of sheer exhaustion and for his safety (he was mad cause I wouldnt let him play in an open second story window) and called a girl friend to vent/bawl for a while. After another hour of screaming I went in and the thing that scared me THE MOST happened.

Poop. Everywhere. 

No I didnt take any pictures so sorry. He had stripped nude at some point during the in bed freak out, taken off his diaper which he pooped in and threw the poop on the floor. Only after he rubbed it in his hands for a while and then licked his hands and rubbed his eyes repeatedly. I called the girl friend back screaming in pain/fear/agony when she started laughing I had to laugh a little too. Cleaned him up in the tub changed the sheets put him back to bed. He was not getting out of this nap.

Cried for another 30 min. With all of this crying I am surprised no one has banged down my door or called the cops we live in an apartment complex and you can most certainly hear him outside even if our windows are closed.

We had more fights over food, movie choices, the fact that its cold and we cant go swimming, or that grandparents arent available to play today. He has been using me like a jungle gym every second he hasnt spent crying in his room. But if I take my hand off of him for one second he is into something naughty.

There is no rest for the weary. Neither of us have slept today so why am I ready to hit the floor dead and he cant stop fidgeting for 3 seconds. (which is why cuddling and watching a movie together is impossible, he physically cant sit still, always has to be wiggling his legs or something)

Sometimes I wonder why the Lord and I have such different ideas on what I can handle. I cant handle this at all.

How do I get a clingy, fidgety kid to stop climbing all over me and kneeing or elbowing me in the baby bump or really sore boobs. I have bruises everywhere from him being all over me constantly.

I just want to scream really loud. Oh wait, I already did into a pillow before I starting typing this.

bipolar weather makes us crazy

Yesterday we were in bathing suits at the pool. I have the sunburned belly to prove it! Today I want to eat comfort food curled up in blankets on the couch and its almost required that you wear rain boots and take an umbrella when you go outside. I hate this PNW weather with a passion. I am so ready to be out of here- maybe someday.

Ryan was so goofy today. He has been shunning "aunt" B for the last 8 months, ever since the hospital incident but all the sudden he is in love with her again. Yesterday I told him that Becca was coming over in the morning to play with him while I was at a photo shoot and he had been waiting patiently ever since. When it was time for nap he just sobbed and sobbed for "beh" and then woke up shouting her name after his nap. I am chopped liver.

We went to see daddy at work and stopped in Nordstrom to pick up his Fathers day gift, apparently shoes at Nordstrom = balloons. We walked away with a navy blue one.

In the car on the way home we were learning some new signs- apple and work (daddy has to go back to work) and then we started talking about the baby. Sometimes we ask him if its a girl or a boy just to see if he picks one and sticks to it. Today he told me that it was just candy in my belly and not a baby anymore. He thought himselfs was SO funny he died laughing.

His made up sign for Gabba is waving his arms in the air like a crazy man, impersonation Brobee I'm sure. Its the best.

Hopefully the sun will come out again tomorrow!

on my mind

Lots on my mind tonight though I dont know if I have the energy to sort them each into an exact topic or even sentence. I feel like we have all been sick and run down for the last few weeks and its taking its toll. Its time to get the heck out of dodge and breathe some new air for a few days. Luckily my Mama's house is just 3 hours away. I cant wait to give her a big hug and cuddle on the couch in the mornings. Ryan cant wait to play with Mimi and Papa. One of the highlights from this trip is seeing Aunt Hannah-nana! She is home from Utah for a few days and we miss her oh so very much.

Ryan is getting SO big. Mentally. Of course hes still our little shrimp at just 24 pounds ;) He is coloring all the time and hes not just making a scribbly mess anymore. Okay it still looks the same BUT he is drawing Yia Yia and Papa, Mommy, and Daddy, and of course Macy the dog. It amazes me how each person or pet is just lots of lines and dots but everyone gets their own color :) ask him 15 min later who each blob is and he can totally remember. Like DUH thats Dada!

Like I mentioned in my last post he loves loves looooooves to be nekkid. I always finding him taking his clothes and diaper off and the first place he heads is outside on the patio. All of our neighbors have seen his cute tush. In a few years that will need to stop but for now why not feel the breeze on both sets of cheeks.

Its been nice to take pictures for friends and family! I am grateful for the support that I have had from everyone its overwhelmingly wonderful :) If anyone wants pictures taken email me asap! I am hoping to do more families, bellies, and babies! Nothing is better then taking pictures of people for me I love it! I added a link to my photo blog up above too.

Do you like our new makeover? I change my blog about as often as I change my hair- which is all the time. I am working with Jess on a new banner and cant wait to show you all, go check her out she is the bomb.com and her son Wyatt was Ryans bloggy baby gift exchange buddy!

Somehow it was Cinco De Mayo and I did not eat any mexican food I find this quite depressing I will have to make up for it tomorrow.

Tonight Ryan said his bedtime prayers for the first time, he normally picks mommy or daddy to say them but hes been working on some signs- Heavenly Father, thank you, mom, dad, ryan, help, sleep, Jesus Christ, amen! Ahhhhhhhh I love him.

Happy Anniversary to my Mom and Dad! 27 years! AND to my bestest bud Hillary and her hubby Aaron who are celebrating 2 :)

This is stuck in my head. Love me some Lady A.




Okay enough rambling time for bed..

part 1. the dream.

I have had a few posts about being overwhelmed, tired, and drowning lately. I try to be honest and upfront with myself. Sometimes I like to hide the pain or brush my struggles under the rug for every one else's sake but tonight I am diving in. Ripping off that band-aid. 1, 2, 3, GO.

These feelings have been buried so deep the last 3 years that its going to take some coaxing on my part to let them surface. I am sitting here with my fingers hovering ever so gently over my key board. Type a little, back space a lot. Type some more, the cycle keeps going. One of the topics in the 30 days challenge was "a hero that has let you down" I thought about that one for so long and it kept coming back to me, it wasn't a person at all like so many others listed. It was an idea, or more the dream of  my future.

White picket fence, shiny new SUV in the driveway, sexy husband with a bouquet of yellow roses in hand, beautiful/talented/amazing children all perfectly spaced in age, and a bank account with a lot of zeros.

This is what I have imagined and planned for in my head since I was a little girl dressing my Barbies in coordinating outfits. That's the life that would make everything better for me. If I could just be 18 and run away, find a man and make it all happen I would be happy. I didnt care about education, career, or work experience. I just wanted the white dress and some sparkle on my finger. And I wasnt going to stop until I got there.

Fast forward to a promise ring, an engagement ring, and then a wedding ring. All of those from different guys. I kept thinking he's the one, this time- this is it! Promise ring shipped out to Iraq and turned into someone I didnt even recognize. Engagement ring was a long drug out relationship where I did all the convincing that I was what he wanted, after breaking up and moving states he panicked and threw the ring at me just to save face. I broke it off 5 weeks later. Then there was wedding ring, you all know him.

Hubs and I got married in a whirl wind. With a 5 week engagement, a last minute dress I wasnt in love with, and little family by our side we took the plunge. 3 years, 1 child, 6 moves, 15 months living with my inlaws, welfare, unemployment, health scares, and countless car repairs later- here we are. Barbie would be running the other way in her 6 inch heals and mini skirt if she knew what the future held. We have laughed, cried, begged, yelled, held grudges, and forgave but we have so far to go.

I have been woken up by a slap in the face, or probably just the babe crying down the hall. What happened to my yellow roses and my freshly cut lawn? Wheres that damn SUV? (though I admit its a minivan now) I had this perfect image concocted in my head and its so hard, almost painful to let go of it and accept this is whats real. Its real that we fight, its real that Ryan cries all the time, its real that I am a better person on anti depressants, and that sometimes I wait til there are no more dishes and no more clean socks before I clean up the house. And even sometimes, we lie and break each others hearts.

Its also real that we covenanted with God, we married for eternity.

I am at a breaking point. We are both are. We have to dig deep, let go of the past 3 years and build a new foundation- brick by brick. We are learning to have realistic expectations and obtainable dreams, we are trying to find joy in our little apartment and our small savings account because its ours. We are realizing that the perfect people we portrayed while dating is far from the truth and now striving to know the soul and the heart of the person we share a bed with. Talents and shortcomings included. We are learning to be friends.

To be continued...

ho ho ho mom fail

Christmas is almost here. Mom = fail. I haven't taken Ryan to see Santa and we arent going to this year, I am not paying $ to have him scream on some old mans lap. Call me a grinch but we have many more Christmas's ahead and when he asks to go, we will. I didn't get a "Christmas outfit." We showed up to church today where all the littles were really dressed in their Sunday, holiday best. Oops. I haven't wrapped any presents. The wrapping paper is under the crib and every time I can take a huge breath and think about that he is sleeping. No way in you-know-where I am going in there while he's snoozing. We haven't done any Christmas activities- no baking, no caroling, no treat giving, no tree hunting. The only way we have a tree this year is because my MIL donated an extra one they had. And guess what- none of that bothers me! Christmas will come whether we are "ready" for it or not. I hope.

Typical Ryan, crazy toddler. And our tree.

when it rains

It pours get an umbrella. I feel like everything is so bad lately so I am going to sit down here with this mug full of perfectly hot apple cider and whine about it for a while. I am planning on letting my music play loud, sink in and begin to heal my soul.

Today was one of those days, where you wake up with a sore neck, trip over a load of laundry, and it all goes down hill from there. Monkey has been so needy lately. I wish it was the cute needy where he just wants to cuddle and give me kisses all day. Dream on. This is the needy where he wont stop crying and begging for things he is never aloud into. And if one more person tells me just dont give in or tell him to stop I will throw a shoe at them, you have never seen how persistent he can be its scary. For example he wants me to hold him, counter level, so he can push all the buttons on the microwave. He also wants me to walk around to all the doors in the house so he can fiddle with the handle. Get over it kid, Mama's got things to do.

Like make 150 slices of corn bread for a church dinner this evening. In my teeny tiny kitchen this was no easy task. I started Wednesday afternoon and baked all the way til bedtime. I just happened to run out of pans and thank goodness for Bec, she went and got me 4 more.

I didnt get it all done in time with Monkey freaking out in royal fashion, hubs trying to fix 2 cars before work with the flu, and running out of oven space. So I missed work. Its only the second week and I was flaking already. I felt horrible but I was too big of a mess to even show my face. It turned out to be an ok thing because I would have had to wake up my sleeping monster babe early from his nap to take the corn bread to the church, get him settled and the new babysitters house, and get to practice on time.

After a tearful phone call to my mommy she suggested I bundle up and head outside! It only lasted 15 minutes but the crisp air and sound of rain was refreshing.

Dont be fooled, he is cute but he is a crazy man. Right after we came in, got changed into dry clothes I figured it was time for some warm cider (I am totally addicted right now) Ryan ended up dumping my mug full of HOT cider all over the floor, couch, side table, and himself. Change of clothes #3 for the day. Change #4 came when he decided to throw chili all over me and the wall during dinner. It was an awesome day let me tell ya.

After writing this out it doesnt seem that bad. However I failed to mention that my pseudotumor cerebri is back in full swing which means I will once again get poked and prodded at the doctors office multiple times a week til they figure it out. Then add the stress of us quickly outgrowing out tiny apartment, (not pregnant we just have a lot of stuff) trying to be a working mom with unreliable childcare, always the need for more $$, and with all that going on of course it affects hubs and I in the worst sort of way.

I feel like I am drowning in all this rain. Maybe I need a boat instead of an umbrella.

happy drugs.

I never did drugs in high school, or college. ya know in that wild stage of life- but I am thinking now that I missed something incredible! Another 26 hour stay in the hospital and so far:

• got a diagnosis of Papilladema and/or Pseudotumor Cerebri (shame on you blogger, these words are spelled correctly)
• got 2 morphine injections which made me try to scratch my skin off in the middle of the night, apparently I am allergic from coming off that stuff. 
• 3 MRI's
• 3 pokes for a lumbar puncture
• got migraines once back at home and got super naseaus
• had to take Zofran and Vicoden. Feeling guilty for taking the Zofran, that stuff was gold in a pill form while I was pregnant and here I was popping them back like no tomorrow (as in following the dosage correctly)
• back to the ER. in 20 hours before actually seeing a Neurologist. 
• they gave me some crazy drug that I cant remember but I felt like my head was not attached to my body, it was a nice change from the feeling of it exploding out my eyes. I was lucky to get it 2 more times on my stay. 
• Neurologist promptly said my charts make no sense to her and that the diagnosis's from earlier in the week are wrong. I dont have high pressure problems, I have LOW pressure problems
• Yet she wants me to keep taking the diuretic which keeps pressure low. huh say wha?
• gave me a back brace (to keep pressure up) for a normal sized person so obviously it doesnt fit me, my boobs are at my chin and I cant go potty with it on
• liquid diet for 26 hours=grumpy Lauren
• hubs on business trip, my son doesnt like me anymore cause hes been shuffled from place to place.
• got cabin fever so I walked around the floor in my gown, dragging my IV pole behind me so I could see something other than the popcorn ceiling above my hospital bed.
• they also gave me an IV of CAFFEINE. and I went to sleep. go figure, 1 diet coke keeps me up all night long
• I sound like a drug addict so with that I will say good night, I also took a vicoden to keep the headache at bay and its taking its toll.

Before I go, I've seen some VERY cute pages and sample cards so far in our HM challenge. Dont forget to link up here  Remember entries must be in by Oct 19th at midnight! Happy scrapping.

silver platter?

Jackie, I have your dvd's put can you just mail me your abs. 

I like getting up at 9am instead of early to work out.

 Even though your program is 20 min legs, 20 min, arms, 20 min abs.

I would like you to just give them to me without any work on my part. That would be great, 

mmmk thanks!

pillow talk and polygamy

first things first, a text conversation for you all...

L: dinner smells good hurry home

B: what are you cooking

L: meatloaf, carrots, mashed potatoes from scratch (side note this from scratch is a big deal, its the first time I havent used a box of potato flakes)

B: Oh baby! When I get home there will definitely be a party in my tummy!

If you dont know why is this funny watch this video.

Second, after a few friends had been talking about TLC's new show, Sister Wives, I decided if my Comcast's ON demand had the premier then I would watch it, well it did and it is SO interesting. Kody, the dad/husband, has the bounciest hair ever, even I am jealous. And the wives are all very sweet. I really enjoy the show, so much that its now set to record every new episode. Sure I believe in living the law of the land and that means 1 man 1 woman but that doesnt mean that I am not totally engrossed in this family. Wife number 3 is due with her 6th baby (my kind of woman!) in the next episode and Kody is preparing to take on a 4th wife. The dynamics of this family are fascinating, there are days I can barely handle the 3 of us that make up our family, they have 16! 

So of course it got me thinking. If I had a sister wife they could totally help me pour the water out of this pot so I can drain the potatoes- see I wasnt lying they really were from scratch. if I had a sister wife she could pull dinner out of the oven while I keep monkey away from the 350* oven! I can think of a hundred more.... sheesh- laundry folding, putting sheets on a big bed which is hard to do alone, running errands. She would have to let me vacuum though that is MY territory. 

But we will not be taking another wife anytime soon...... ever that is. I am too much of the jealous type and that whole law of the land issue. 

p.s. monkey is laying on the floor next to me, he farted 6 times during the typing of this post. I need a girl too I swear they dont do that. 

p.p.s. a shout out to my hedgehog mama's! 

wtc

that would stand for what the crap incase you are as tired as me. SO blogger has the cool little thing called STATS. well I thought I would check it out cause a month ago I had it stop tracking my own page views so I could see what was really going on here. WELL apparently I am not the start of the show.

my husband is. yes that is his post leading the pack at 56 views... maybe he will start writing here instead of me. if you would like to help out his numbers go here. he thanks you.

$50 Fred Flintstone feet

We just got back from the mall. Yes its Saturday, so yes I am nearly insane for thinking that was a good idea. I left with 3 Nordstrom balloons and a very short fuse. I think that people at the mall.. and by people I mean grungy little teens, dont have eye balls because if they did then they would see me coming and not walk right into our stroller. 

Ok back on point, monkey just had a growth spurt and I have noticed that his shoes are getting tight so I wanted to go measure his foot and get new shoes. Easy task right? Wrong, oh so very wrong.

We started at Payless which I knew was hit or miss. I feel like you have 2 options- shoes that arent shaped like real people feet or buzzlight year Velcro shoes. Neither one suit my fancy so I was hoping for the rare moment when I could find his size.. in wide and they were actually presentable looking. Ya know, matched his polos and chinos. 

Epic Fail.

Next was Old Navy, I remembered seeing cute shoes on our little friends from there.

Epic Fail #2. I couldnt get his toes in the things. Hello fred flintstone feet!

JC Penny's was also a fail.

dun dun dun. Nordstrom. Land of the gorgeous, home of the everything-costs-a-small-fortune.

After picking up 2 balloons and flirting with an older girl (10 years his senior, way to go champ!) we got measured only to find out that he was a size 5 1/2 almost a 6. 

So he hasnt been wearing 1 size too small but almost 2- awesome, make yourself feel like a good mom, moment happening right here!

I specifically said to bring out anything in a WIDE in his size UNDER $30

Nice shoe gal brings out a sweet pair of kicks, Monkey literally jumps for joy at shoes with support that fit great. Price tag-

$50

wtc 

*what the crap*

Now I am in a dilemma. These were the only shoes in the WHOLE mall that fit his awkwardly large piggies and yet 50 bucks for shoes that he will wear for 4 months? I can barely stomach it. But after a long talk with my mommy we both agreed that this was my only option. You do what you gotta do. So now instead of lots of cute shoes to choose from he will have 1 good sturdy pair that he will wear the heck out of.

I still dont have the shoes though. I am hoping for another option, til then he will wear slippers everywhere.

So if you can find us a good shoe in a 5 1/2 wide that doesnt cost an arm and a leg I will sing your praises and send you a sweet thank you card cause after spending all that money a card is all I will be able to do.

I was so bummed that they gave us another balloon, bringing the count to 3. 

That was a fun ride home.

UPDATED- The reason this is such an issue is its really hard to find half sizes for toddler feet, and then to get that in a wide, I have never seen half sizes til Nordstrom, but I will be checking online and at 

tj maxx/ross, thank you for all your suggestions!

the real you

I am watching Greys right now laughing and almost crying, dang I love this show why does it always give me just want I want and need (weird how those things are different sometimes) week after week.

I cant focus on this.

Ok I can now they are talking about paint swatches and whether to live in an easter basket or a bat cave.

Because this show is THAT good.

So over the last 24 hours my phone has exploded with emails, texts, blog/fb comments, and calls from all of you. I always knew I had good friends but WOW do I have have great friends. I love you all so much and am so grateful for your sweet words and uplifting spirits.

Its hard to talk about the icky stuff, the stuff that makes us look weak or imperfect. Sure we all say that "you can come to me for anything!" and I know my friends mean it but its still a total buzz kill when you call up your friend or show up at lunch sobbing your eyes out. We slap on some lip gloss and put gel in our 1 yr olds hair and look like we are so put together when we leave the house but rarely do we let others see the real us. I had a dear friend actually apologize for crying in front of me, and another hide the pain of a difficult relationship.. and for what? so we can go back in our homes, close the door and feel even more alone?

I came across this on blog frog this morning and it totally hit home. I was so nervous to write about my struggles lately and there are even ones I didnt mention but I knew it was the best way to cope, that was the reason for this blog. Its come so far since "today we went to the zoo" because today we actually went to the science museum and it was the bomb... whatever, you get my point.

Single Dad Laughing posted this good read and has had so many hits I wanted to share it with you. I hope that you, my dear friends know that you never have to be perfect for me and I will never try to be perfect for you.. I already am ;) Real is good, lets talk about the icky stuff, lets cry with each other, and help lift each other up. Thats why we all have friends in the first place right? Ok its also nice to have someone tell you your butt looks bad in those pants.

So thank you for letting me be real with you. Thank you for laughing and crying and sharing with me. Thanks for loving me anyway even though I can be a mess. I am going so much better today, like I said we went to the science museum and monkey was the happiest kid I have ever laid eyes on. See for yourself

Scratch that, blogger doesnt want me to upload any pictures. tomorrow..

til then, be real. Its beautiful.