coping with postpartum depression part 2

Last time I talked about the facts behind PPD (postpartum depression) Now its my time to vent and get out all of my feelings. My blog after all, I get to do stuff like there- it's why I have it!

I feel like you already know this but in case I get someone new around here who freaks out. Please don't. I LOVE my children more than anything, they are my world. I would never hurt them or neglect them. Anything I say here is spoken out of sheer exhaustion and desperation. I may not want to be a mom right now but I am doing it anyway. They are still fed, bathed, cuddled, kissed, rocked, and loved on every single day.

Right now is probably the worst its ever been. This isnt my first rodeo so I know what to compare it too. I got PPD when I was about 34 weeks pregnant with Ryan (my first, now 3 years old) I talked to my doctor and he perscribed 20 mgs of Zoloft to take once a day. It is the lowest dose and it actually worked! After Ryan was born I was at my 2 week post C section appointment and I asked them to up my dosage because I knew it wasnt going to be enough. He cried non stop and never slept. He had GERD and no one knew for the first 3 months. It was hell. I had luck and God on my side. I wasnt working and could lay in bed and nurse him all day every day. We lived with my in laws so I didnt have a full house to maintain alone. And it was summer so we went on 2 walks every single day. I got through it.

Flash forward to today. My second baby is 6 months old. When I found out I was pregnant with him I stopped taking my medication (xanax and welbutrin) because of the increased risks of birth defects (none of which they knew about 2 years prior when I was pregs with Ryan!). I prayed and prayed that God would carry me through- I was okay until my 3rd trimester. I was was always hoping that I would go early and when that didnt happen I just got more and more depressed. Then the second I saw my baby boy all of that went away. It was my first vaginal birth and I experienced a maternal high like no other. That high has lasted a while! Weston is a very easy and happy baby, Ryan was loving being a big brother. Things were hunky dory all around the board.

Something happened around 4.5 months postpartum. I could feel myself slipping. I dont want to get out of bed and when I do I pray I get to take an afternoon nap (thats not happening ryan doesnt nap anymore) I cant sleep at night and am up til at least 1am. Its a nasty cycle. I dont want my kids to climb on me, I dont want to be touched. I have no desire to get dolled up and I am lucky if my hair makes it out of the messy but I slept in the night before. I am even starting to leave the house looking like I just rolled out of bed. I am up 15 pounds from my pre baby weight, all of which I had previously lost, and none of my clothes fit- I cry every day when I am in my closet. Right now I am wearing yoga pants and a maternity t shirt. I dont cook we eat out most of the time which isnt the best on the wallet.

The constant mess of life that manifests itself in my house is driving me nuts- literally. My OCD is just running wild because I want it to be white glove clean every second of the day. I want every nook and cranny to be organized and with purpose. It is not happening people and I have panic attacks every other day or so.

I just feel like a crazy person. I love my kids so much but I dont want to do this. I want to take a nice long vacation, skype them every day, and then come home when I am whole again. I cry, I yell, I pick fights. This is not me, I miss being me.

I am exercising, drinking lots of water, eating healthy- I still have to consume around 3,000 calories a day to make any breast milk and getting lots of sun and fresh air. I am going to start taking vitamins soon. I have to work up to it because they make me throw up (advice?) It is so hard because if I wanted all of it to go away I could stop breastfeeding and take Xanax again but I dont want too. I LOVE breastfeeding, surprise surprise huh. It would kill me to stop. I love the endorphin's it releases and the fact that I am forced to sit down in peace and quiet and enjoy my baby every few hours. Without that I would be worse- even on medication.





So this has been sitting in my drafts for a week and I cant write anymore. I dont know what else to say right now so I will publish and come back to it later. Thanks everyone!

coping with postpartum depression part 1

Well with a title like that there is no surprise what I am going to be talk about today. Raise your hand if you or someone you know suffers from Postpartum Depression (raises both hands high)

Let's first go over the facts-

15-25% (and thats just reported cases, most woman dont say anything) of woman suffer from some form of postpartum. Its not just depression that can happen, it can manifest itself in the form of pp anxiety, pp ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) and even pp psychosis.


It can start anytime while you are still pregnant (mine starts in the 3rd trimester every time) or any time in the first 12 months after delivery. Which means your baby can easily be 8 months old when it starts! I will also add the the social worker I met with at my 6 week PP appointment with Weston said that it can start any time within TWO years. (I met with her because I was showing signs of PPD already) 


The great thing is you can GET HELP! And if you or someone you know is suffering please don't suffer a second longer. Its not something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. It's not a question about loving your baby or whether you are good mom. You didn't cause this, it is NOT your fault. And no, no one is going to call CPS on you. By getting help you are proving just HOW much you love yourself and your baby. You are sound enough to put their needs first. 

Symptoms may include- 

feeling sad or depressed

feeling irratable or angry with those around you

having difficulty bonding with your baby

feeling anxious or panicky 

having problems with sleeping and/or eating

having upsetting thoughts you cant get out of your mind

feeling out of control or like you are "going crazy"

feeling like you should have never become a mother

worried you might hurt your baby or yourself

Baby center has a quiz that is similar to the one a doctor will give you, you can take that HERE

It is so important you dont ignore these symptoms. Baby blues go away, this doesn't. And dont be afraid to talk about it- talking can help.

Hello, my name is Lauren, and I suffer from postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and a little postpartum OCD. It's nice to meet you. 

6 weeks and postpartum

Weston T. is 6 weeks old already! Three days ago I cried while packing up his newborn clothes, I love that he is healthy and thriving but I wish he would just slow down. I am a newborn mama for sure I love the first 6 months they are my favorite and time is slipping away just too quickly for my taste.

at 6 weeks Weston is:

wearing 0-3 month size clothes but they are still a little big

size 1 diapers

awake much more during the day but still takes long naps

insists on being in bed at 11pm sharp every night and gets very irritated if I try to cuddle him after this point

sleeps from 11 to either 4 OR 6 am then goes back to bed til 9

still sleeping in our room in his pack n play on his tummy with his pacie and tiger that plays lullabies 

loves tummy time and baths

obsessed with Ryan

SMILING and cooing a bit. I LOVE these moments

has baby acne pretty bad but it should clear up in a week or so

burps like an old man 

lets me swaddle him sometimes

loves the boobies and nursing but only eats when hes hungry unlike his brother who was a comfort nurser for sure.

enjoys the little travel swing that's for grandmas house over the big nice swing. go figure. 

getting chunky fat rolls. love

loves his soothie pacie

losing his hair in the back and sides, it looks funny.

Postpartum 

As for me and being postpartum- its interesting for sure. Completely different from things with Ryan. I felt really good coming off this pregnancy almost like a high. I was blissfully happy and I was scared that it would all come crashing down like it did before. Things were amazing for about 3 weeks but then it hit me one day in Target of all places when my mom called me and I just started sobbing right there in the little girls section while I was trying to make a B line for the baby stuff behind it.

Since that day I have been taking an antidepressant because I didnt want to pass it off as baby blues and struggle for the next few months. I am really glad I made the choice I did and am not ashamed of needing a little extra help. Having a baby does so much more than make your belly big for 9+ months. It affects your mind, spirit, body, and soul. Every part of you changes when you have a baby and it happens again when you have a second, third and so on. As for now I am feeling really good. I still will randomly feel like crying for no reason and if I am at home or another socially acceptable place like my car at a stop light then I will just let it out. I take it as my body's way of ridding itself of crazy pregnancy hormones I no longer need. Plus having an infant is rough no matter how easy they are or how many times you've done in in the past. Thats something to cry about right there!

Having a baby is also a wonderful thing, its life's greatest thrill if you ask me. I am sure I have new moms or newly pregnant ladies reading and my point is not to scare you or depress you about what life is like after that baby comes. I was unprepared for the emotional side of delivery and beyond the first time and I dont want anyone to be in shock like I was. So breathe a sigh of relief girls, its awesome. Trust me, I will do it again in a few years for sure and probably more after that too.

As for the bod- back down to my pre RYAN weight. 6 months before I got pregnant with Weston I was diagnosed with psuedotumor ceribri which is a really fancy way of saying my body acted like I had a brain tumor when in fact I did NOT. Scary time I never want to repeat- during that whole thing I lost a lot of weight to the point where people thought I was struggling with an eating disorder. It was just all the medication I was taking for it. So to say I want to be back to pre weston weight is not true that was not very attractive in my opinion. I like to have some hips and boobs! However I am really bad at working out which means I have ZERO muscle on this body of mine. Being a gymnast for many years I always had greatly toned muscles and I am dying to have them back. I am going to start some light weight training soon.

Breastfeeding- going amazing! I have been blessed with great boobs, good eaters, and patience to learn the art- for it truly is. I have always had an ample milk supply but the last week its been rough. Hardly any let down and I can tell Weston is really irritated after a min or so when there isnt much left and the same thing happens on the other side. So instead of filling his belly to the brim every 4 hours I am topping him off every 1.5 to 2 hours hoping to get my body to produce more again. I am also being extremely lazy relaxing, drinking lots of water, and trying to eat everything in sight. Hopefully it will get better in a few days. My nursing bras are a 34E (yeah I know..) but I barely fill out my B cups from before! Pray for me and my milk please.

If you made it through all this, mad props to you. I just want to be able to remember everything and I know from experience if I dont write it down I will forget over time. This is such an amazing time in my life I would never want to lose it.

Happy 6 weeks Weston T!

Coming up next...

Parenting the same way and getting two TOTALLY different results. To each their own in this house.

30 weeks a reality check

...................................... I have so many things I want to say, as I am driving down the road listening to Ryan sing about elmo in the back seat it all comes to me. The second I sit down to let the thoughts pour out, they freeze. Its mentally exhausting to keep it all inside when my brain is going every which way at all times. Its even more exhausting at times like these to make sense of it all in the form of written word.

I am really good at crying about it though, ask husband. I had a nice little session last night and it felt good. It was a big nasty ugly cry too, not the cute pat my eyes so my make up doesnt run kind. Snotty nose, messy hair. Yeah it was perfect.

I am 30.5 weeks pregnant as we sit here and I as I laid on the ultrasound table this week I heard words I have never heard directed at me during pregnancy. "He is head down in the birthing position." My arms shot up in a touchdown. Heck yeah baby! This is what I wanted... right? I wanted a VBAC, I wanted to experience birth the other way, the way I never did with Ryan. I had prepared myself the last few months for another c section when week after week baby boy was stuck in the breech position. I had gone down this road with Ryan before. I had even picked a delivery date for this little guy.

But now that a VBAC is actually possible and in my very near future I am petrified. I hate not knowing and waiting around. I hate the uncertainty, I hate not knowing exactly when this baby will come. I hate the fact that I am sacred of it.

With so much uncertainty now of WHEN he would be coming I started looking around and making metal notes of all the things I need and want to get done. Natural nesting of course. Re paint bookshelves, hang curtains, get emergency kits put together, and so on. I have been taking care of my little family okay for the last 8 months. I do the laundry, I make sure there is food in the fridge but anything above and beyond basic needs has been put off for some other day. That other day is here. This baby could come in 4 weeks (my mother was about that early with all her babes) or he could come in 10. The term panic only begins to describe my feelings.

Its like my world is crashing down around me.Is it possible for postpartum depression to start while the baby is still in utero? I feel like it kicked in the morning of week 28 and the start of my 3rd trimester. I was expecting if after but this is another loop I have been thrown and its knocking me off my feet. I have whined relentlessly about hating being pregnant and wanting to be done and have him here already but now I just wish I could buy more time. More time to get my home in order, more time to get myself figured out (what kind of mom do I really want to be anyway?) and more time with my first baby.

I feel like I need 10 more years with just Ryan. He is back to not sleeping and its wearing on all of us so badly. I have morning all day sickness again and heartburn to boot, not to mention a very active 3 pound baby taking up space in my midsection. I cant run on no sleep. I am stressed, I am scared for the future, I am constantly worried I am ruining the child I already have.

And that is a portion of whats on my mind as I am driving down the road. Pray that we all get some sleep tonight, this mama needs rest.

xoxo

worn out mama

I wish I had some beautiful pictures or something lovely so say tonight. I am just so tired. I was feeling okay for a little bit there and now I am just dead and worn out! I had to tell my friend I wasnt able to watch her sweet little boy anymore too :( I am sad that he wont be coming over in the mornings but my belly is too big to hold babies and I am too exhausted an hour after I wake up to keep with the demands of 2 little boys right now.

I am trying to hard to keep a happy face for Ryan as "mommy happy!" is so important to him. He is the sweetest craziest boy ever and just wants everyone he is around to be in the best of moods. I feel like I am constantly failing him. I get short, I let the little things bug me, I get annoyed when he sits to close. And it kills me. I feel like a horrible mom most of the time and wish there was more I could do right now.

I keep telling myself to buck up but it aint happening easily. Between you and I dear friend, I am usually on some sort of mood stabilizing medication. I hate that I am a better person with a pill in the morning but its true. I cope better, I sleep better, I laugh easier,I focus better, I let things roll off my back. I took my medication without fear my whole first pregnancy and doubled the dose after Ryan was born to combat my postpartum depression. Then came the warning from the FDA that usage of SSRI's during pregnancy has shown to increase the risk of birth defects. So when I saw the positive pregnancy test this time I glanced over at the bottle on the counter and said a little prayer for me and my family for the next 8 months. I would be going without to give this boy the best chance at a healthy life.

Its been a struggle. When I feel myself sinking I cling to the little kicks I feel in my belly and know its for him. I am trying to be my best self and put my best foot forward for me, for my kids, and for the hubs who gets the brunt of all my crap. But if its okay to ask, I'd appreciate some good vibes and a prayer for us tonight.

I think we all just need a really big hug too. Or chocolate, which hubs just came home from the store with. Thank you babe.