finding out you're pregnant. round 2

To read up on how we found out we were pregnant the first time click here.

This story isn't all roses and lollipops but its the truth, who knows maybe someone will be able to relate. The biggest thing of all is it's proof that sometimes blessings come though raindrops and healing comes through tears.

Like I said before we always knew we wanted to have a big family. I also knew that it was a lucky shot we got pregnant with Ryan so quickly and it might take longer next time- especially since I breastfed him for about 17 months. So when Ryan was a year old I stopped taking the mini birth control pill (the one you take while BF) and we didnt use any method's to prevent pregnancy. It was May 2010.

By September I had only had one short period since getting pregnant with Ryan 2 years before. I woke up one night cramping horribly bad. I am the girl that gets menstrual cramps so bad I throw up, black out, spike a fever. It almost kills me every time. I am used to pain. This was different. It was deep in my back, they ran down my legs. I felt them all over my body. I started bleeding the next day and it was scary. My body was doing things I had never experienced before so I started reading around online and asked a few close friends.

Miscarriage. One of the worst things for a woman to hear. I shared with hubs what I was going through and he told me that he had a strong impression a week before that I was pregnant and had been waiting for me to say something. We never had a positive pregnancy test, I never heard a heart beat. I was losing a baby I never knew I had and it yet it hurt my heart and my body so bad.

From that point on I was wanting another baby so bad. It wasnt so much "it happens when it happens" and now a quest. Life was moving on though and changing fast. The trials of unemployment, health scares, an extremely difficult year of baby raising, living with my inlaws for over a year, and the day to day grind were really taking a toll on our marriage. I had let life run me ragged for sure. I wasn't sure that we were going to make it through. The unrealistic part of me thought that another baby would fix it all. Of course I knew that babies are always a blessing but they complicate more than they fix and I would never want to put that much pressure on someone who is so little and innocent.

In December it came crashing down and hubs and I needed a break from it all- especially trying for another baby. We decided it was best to take some time apart and work on ourselves before we were ready to work on our marriage. It was 2 weeks before Christmas and I was not sure how the holidays would play out. On Christmas Eve we were celebrating as a family and my sister in law announced that they were pregnant with their first baby and they were so happy. They loved each other, they owned a home, both had great jobs, and now a baby on the way. I smiled when we were there but the second I walked out the front door I lost it. I ugly cried the whole way home and had never been more bitter in my life. I was angry at myself, I was angry at the Lord. This was not fair.

disclaimer: I LOVE my brother and sister in law. I LOVE my niece, and I am so so very happy for them. 

After a while, hubs and I decided work on our relationship while under the same roof and it was rough so we decided to take another break. It was April 2011. The next month I was laying in bed, alone. It was 11:30pm and out of the blue came a still small voice- "you are pregnant" I brushed it off because I am one to create a whole fake pregnancy in my mind if I feel a wee bit sick. It was all in my head... right? It came again. You are pregnant. And right there I knew it was true. I called hubs to bring a pregnancy test when he came over in the morning. The next day he came walking in with a tub of mayo (I was out, thanks babe!) and the test. I locked myself in the bathroom and followed the directions carefully. Before I could recap the test and place it on the edge of the tub it showed up positive. Well it was the word "pregnant" specifically. I dont even know how I felt because it was 10 million things at once. I was so excited, I was surprised- yet I already knew, I was scared. I ran out to tell hubs who was excited/nervous/surprised/scared too. I then swooped up Ryan and while swinging him around the kitchen I told him we were going to have a baby. He was SO happy.

I was 5 weeks along and due December 27th 2011. I told my mom that day by skyping her with Ryan while he wore a shirt that said big brother on it (something I had bought almost a year before waiting for the day) At 8 weeks I told the rest of the world. I didnt have any strong impressions as to gender or names but I had thought for a while it was girl. We all did actually- Ryan even told us too. But July 11th we found out we were adding another baby boy and I was elated.

That still left the issue of our relationship. We didnt want to move back into the same house just because I was pregnant but at 6 weeks my morning sickness hit like a speeding train. I was out of commission and we knew from the last time it would last the rest of my pregnancy. At this point it was better to be together than apart. Over the course of the next 8 months we made the best we could out of our situation.

On December 30, 2011, at home with our new baby, Weston, just a few days old I started to witnessed a miracle. I continued to witness that miracle every day while hubs was on paternity leave. Something about that 6 pound baby boy healed us. He healed our family. We were whole once again and dang did it feel good. To this day I know that the Lord had a plan for us. It was much bigger than any of us realized while in the thick of it. Weston is our miracle in so many ways. We were not trying to get pregnant, and things were not good, and yet here we are. Happy, healthy, and loving each other more every day.

This is a lot to put out here on my blog but this time feels like its so far behind us. Sure life isn't perfect, we are a normal family with normal struggles but we are doing well. We are really happy.

(This has been sitting in my drafts for so long. Its hard word it right and I am rarely at a loss for words. I hope it all makes sense. Hubs and I have gone over it and over it. There is so much more I want to say but I have to end it for now, please only leave kind words) 

finding out you're pregnant.

With all my blogging and record keeping I am so sad to say I dont know the date when I found out I was pregnant with either boy. It makes me so sad! But I DO remember the stories-

Ryan:

We had gotten married in April and since I wanted to have babies since I was three years old we started talking about it right away. It was always a given we would have a big family we made sure to cover that on the first real date if I remember correctly. I knew I didnt want a honeymoon baby though. We held off for a little while but we were living in Puerto Rico for a temp summer job and one of his co workers wives and my best friend for the summer, was pregnant and due to have her first baby while we were down there. To say I had baby fever was the understatement of the century. I watched her perfectly gorgeous belly grow every day while we sun bathed by the pool and even tagged along to some of  her OB appointments. (dude chels, we still talk about his awful hair plugs...) I even walked the mall with her and her mama while she was in the early stages of labor. I got to hold Mr. Benson when he was just days old and my womb ached. The next month hubs came home with an ovulation kit and thinking back we must have gotten pregnant mid August 2008.

12 weeks  

In September we left our island paradise and moved home to the PNW. We were living with his parents til we could secure decent jobs in what was turning out to be an awful economy. It was October and I was getting ready to start a job Nannying soon. We were all eating pizza late one evening with hubs parents and the smell of my favorite bbq pizza was the worst thing ever. My father in law cracked a joke that went something like- sensitive to smells? pregnant? I think I was in denial because a week later I started my job and while I was walking the dogs I threw up on the neighbors lawn. Alexis suggested that I take a pregnancy test. Late that night I found what looked like a pregnancy test that came with the fore mentioned ovulation kit. With no instructions I did what you're supposed to do on a pregnancy test and got two lines.

 around 20 weeks 

Two lines? What the heck does two lines mean? I looked around on the internet but decided it was best to just go get another test. A real test this time. We drove down to safeway at 11:30pm at midnight we got two pink lines, then another test. Two tests, 4 pinks lines. We were having a baby. I cried, he laughed (because thats what he doesn when hes nervous and excited) His mom was up late that night and so we ran down to the kitchen around 2:00am to tell her the news. She was elated. Then we decided around 3:00am to wake up the new grandpa and tell him too. We were all so happy. Hubs and I didnt sleep a wink that night. I calculated I was around 9 weeks and our baby was due May 26th 2009.

28 weeks

The dreams I had since I was a little girl were coming true! Within a week of finding out I had the strongest impressions over and over that our baby was a BOY, his name was to be Ryan, and would end up being a C section baby. Well if you have been reading for a while now you will know that all of those things ended up being true.

Stay tuned for Weston's story.

6 weeks and postpartum

Weston T. is 6 weeks old already! Three days ago I cried while packing up his newborn clothes, I love that he is healthy and thriving but I wish he would just slow down. I am a newborn mama for sure I love the first 6 months they are my favorite and time is slipping away just too quickly for my taste.

at 6 weeks Weston is:

wearing 0-3 month size clothes but they are still a little big

size 1 diapers

awake much more during the day but still takes long naps

insists on being in bed at 11pm sharp every night and gets very irritated if I try to cuddle him after this point

sleeps from 11 to either 4 OR 6 am then goes back to bed til 9

still sleeping in our room in his pack n play on his tummy with his pacie and tiger that plays lullabies 

loves tummy time and baths

obsessed with Ryan

SMILING and cooing a bit. I LOVE these moments

has baby acne pretty bad but it should clear up in a week or so

burps like an old man 

lets me swaddle him sometimes

loves the boobies and nursing but only eats when hes hungry unlike his brother who was a comfort nurser for sure.

enjoys the little travel swing that's for grandmas house over the big nice swing. go figure. 

getting chunky fat rolls. love

loves his soothie pacie

losing his hair in the back and sides, it looks funny.

Postpartum 

As for me and being postpartum- its interesting for sure. Completely different from things with Ryan. I felt really good coming off this pregnancy almost like a high. I was blissfully happy and I was scared that it would all come crashing down like it did before. Things were amazing for about 3 weeks but then it hit me one day in Target of all places when my mom called me and I just started sobbing right there in the little girls section while I was trying to make a B line for the baby stuff behind it.

Since that day I have been taking an antidepressant because I didnt want to pass it off as baby blues and struggle for the next few months. I am really glad I made the choice I did and am not ashamed of needing a little extra help. Having a baby does so much more than make your belly big for 9+ months. It affects your mind, spirit, body, and soul. Every part of you changes when you have a baby and it happens again when you have a second, third and so on. As for now I am feeling really good. I still will randomly feel like crying for no reason and if I am at home or another socially acceptable place like my car at a stop light then I will just let it out. I take it as my body's way of ridding itself of crazy pregnancy hormones I no longer need. Plus having an infant is rough no matter how easy they are or how many times you've done in in the past. Thats something to cry about right there!

Having a baby is also a wonderful thing, its life's greatest thrill if you ask me. I am sure I have new moms or newly pregnant ladies reading and my point is not to scare you or depress you about what life is like after that baby comes. I was unprepared for the emotional side of delivery and beyond the first time and I dont want anyone to be in shock like I was. So breathe a sigh of relief girls, its awesome. Trust me, I will do it again in a few years for sure and probably more after that too.

As for the bod- back down to my pre RYAN weight. 6 months before I got pregnant with Weston I was diagnosed with psuedotumor ceribri which is a really fancy way of saying my body acted like I had a brain tumor when in fact I did NOT. Scary time I never want to repeat- during that whole thing I lost a lot of weight to the point where people thought I was struggling with an eating disorder. It was just all the medication I was taking for it. So to say I want to be back to pre weston weight is not true that was not very attractive in my opinion. I like to have some hips and boobs! However I am really bad at working out which means I have ZERO muscle on this body of mine. Being a gymnast for many years I always had greatly toned muscles and I am dying to have them back. I am going to start some light weight training soon.

Breastfeeding- going amazing! I have been blessed with great boobs, good eaters, and patience to learn the art- for it truly is. I have always had an ample milk supply but the last week its been rough. Hardly any let down and I can tell Weston is really irritated after a min or so when there isnt much left and the same thing happens on the other side. So instead of filling his belly to the brim every 4 hours I am topping him off every 1.5 to 2 hours hoping to get my body to produce more again. I am also being extremely lazy relaxing, drinking lots of water, and trying to eat everything in sight. Hopefully it will get better in a few days. My nursing bras are a 34E (yeah I know..) but I barely fill out my B cups from before! Pray for me and my milk please.

If you made it through all this, mad props to you. I just want to be able to remember everything and I know from experience if I dont write it down I will forget over time. This is such an amazing time in my life I would never want to lose it.

Happy 6 weeks Weston T!

Coming up next...

Parenting the same way and getting two TOTALLY different results. To each their own in this house.

Weston Teuscher | a birth story

This is a birth video- there are photos of... birth. You have been warned.


As I sit here, three minutes away from 2012, I can see little feet poking out from the baby swing. This year has been good to us, especially the last week of it. We went out with a bang there is no doubt about that. Weston Teuscher Alberts was born December 28th, 2011 at 5:30 pm. He weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces and measured 19 and a half inches in length. All ten fingers, all ten toes, and a perfectly proportioned, perfectly round head. We are so blessed.

 His took his sweet time with his entrance into this world and the start of it all came as quite a surprise to us. I had been eagerly awaiting each weekly doctor appointment, crossing my fingers that my body would show some signs of labor and give us an idea of when we would expect our little boy. Every week it was the same thing, no cervical dilation or effacement, no contractions, no baby on his way. On December 27th I had my 40 week check up and it was no different, until I was outside the exam room talking with my wonderful nurses and doctor about scheduling a c-section for that Friday and about the risks of trying pitocin without already being in early labor and adding having a VBAC to all of that when it happened. I had my first contraction. The first of many that would bring our little Weston into my arms. The doctor confirmed by rubbing my belly but told me not to count my lucky stars just yet.

After I left the doctor, Hubs, Ryan and I ran some errands. One of our stops was Buffalo Wild Wings-- I was going to spice this baby out. By this point my contractions were coming every 15-20 minutes. We were keeping our families informed with our progress but like the doctor said, we werent banking on anything. I had a massage scheduled for 2pm and even though they were getting stronger and stronger I decided it would be nice to still go. I had 4 contractions during my massage and I fell asleep twice. I was so relaxed and I have a feeling that was the break of the dam. By the time I got home again they were 8 to 10 minutes apart. I tried to take a nap with Ryan knowing that those days were numbered. I skipped work that night as they were getting stronger and stronger. I had a hard time relaxing and keeping my breath even. At 8pm I called my parents to head down they had a 3 hour drive from Seattle, and this was it. Contractions were 5 to 8 minutes apart so I took a nice shower, shaved my legs, and packed the last few items into our hospital bag and waited for them to arrive so we could leave for the hospital. A few hours later we called hubs parents to have them come over and sit with Ryan because I couldnt wait any longer.

I told myself all the way to the hospital I was only dilated to 1cm because I didnt want to be disappointed but the pain I was feeling was real and it wasnt going away. We checked in easily and sure enough-- dilated to a 1 but 80% effaced. I had made some progress but not nearly enough. The hospital wasnt full so they said I could stay and walk the halls for a while to see if things changed. Knowing we were far off from the actual delivery I sent hubs home to get some rest/take care of Ryan because I knew he would be up and missing me. My mom stayed with me and it was perfect, she was such an amazing birth coach having gone through the same thing 5 times. She was so watchful of me and would rub my forehead and my back during each contraction, making sure I said focused and didnt lose my breath. I could not have gone through this experience without her. She is now required to be at all future births. (and take pictures, she took all of these for us) I really thought that I would make it farther into labor before I got an epidural but I am glad I didnt have to. The doctor on call gave me the okay at 4am only dilated to a 3 and the relief was so sweet.

I labored the rest of the night and all day without much rest however. I was very nauseous and threw up tons, I also had a nasty headache and was feeling really gross all over-- almost flu like. At one point they turned off my epidural to see if that would help with the promise of turning it back on in a few minutes. I went 2.5 hours without because the anesthesiologist got stuck in surgery. It was so painful and made me more sick. Hubs came back later that morning after he had gotten Ryan up and settled in with papi for the day. It was great to have him and my mom there supporting me through this. I dilated slowly, about a centimeter an hour or so. I didnt want pitocin unless I had to and since I was moving along, just at my own pace, I was allowed to continue on. I am sure the OB would have liked to send me home but since I was already numb I was there for the long haul and for that I was grateful. A little after noon I felt a tiny trickle- my water had broke a bit but it didnt tear through the whole bag. The OB came in a while later and finished it up. The next thing I knew I was dilated to a 7, and then before I knew it a 9.5. I had read a lot about the benefits of letting the baby labor down as far as they could on their own and since I had a great epidural that was something I wanted to do. It made sense to me, as my baby had already wanted to do things in his own way, in his own time.

I was fully dilated for about an hour and kept feeling him inch closer and closer with each contraction. It wasnt like anything else in the world. It amazing knowing how close he was to actually being here. My nurse told me to give her a heads up when I didnt feel the pressure let up between contractions. At 4:50 pm that happened. After one practice push she told me that as soon as my OB came in we would have a baby! My nurse and the baby nurse started getting things set up, my OB suited up as we cracked jokes and shot the breeze. My contractions never got closer than 5 minutes apart so like with everything else we just had fun and took our time. Earlier in my pregnancy we joked about how I was only going to push for a few minutes-- this being silly because I knew most first time vaginal birth moms can push for an hour or 2. Once he said he was ready to go I lost all control of my emotions and started sobbing. I was terrified. I was scared to push and have this little person come out of me. I was scared to have another newborn as the last one was so difficult and pushed me to my limits, I was scared to be a mother to two children. Whether I was feeling confident or not everyone in that room helped me muster enough courage to push.

Pushing was the greatest thing. It wasnt scary like I thought, it wasnt hard either. I was able to peek down over my shrinking belly and see our little ones head emerge, hair and all! I would have a push then have to wait a few minutes til my next contraction to give it another go. It was slow coming yet again and it was weird to have to him just sitting there so close. The baby nurse kept oohing and ahhing because he never showed any signs of distress he was completely calm the whole time being squished. I only had to push 5 times and then I witnessed one more of my greatest moments ever. My little peanut floated out with ease and into my arms.

He cried for a few seconds and then looked up at me with his big dark eyes and we both melted instantly. He was so peaceful and so happy. I was surprised how clean he was, hardly any baby goo on him at all, he looked so good. I asked them to delay cutting the cord and they did for about 20 minutes. It was great to just have time with him and letting him get used to this big bright beautiful world for a bit. They were able to clean him off a little and check his stats without rushing him away, he didnt need any suction or assistance at all. My boy was here and he was ready for it! I loved our last few minutes of being physically connected. This little guy had grown in my body for the last 9 months and here he was, ready to be on his own. It was bitter sweet. Daddy cut the cord when the time came.

He started rooting around for my breast within the first few minutes and like his brother latched perfectly the first try. I laid and nursed him while my husband and I exchanged loving glances and I was stitched up a bit. I had a second degree tear. Both grandmas were there for his birth as well. Our room was over flowing with love at that moment. I felt they all had a hand in his safe arrival and I was so grateful to share that moment with everyone that was there. Of course nothing with us goes off without a hitch- a few minutes after he was born the power went out! The back up generators switched off and on a few times then things resumed back the love fest that they were. (we also had a fire drill at the same time my nurse call button on my bed broke, it was kind of crazy!)

From the start of my first contraction to holding Weston was 29.5 hours. I was more than ready to be off the epidural and moving around. It had been 13.5 hours since I was hooked up to the IV.  I was so grateful to have a successful VBAC. My labor and delivery went so well I really have no complaints. Sure it wasnt perfect, its still called labor. I was sick and throwing up, hubs couldnt be there the whole time, I ended up with quite a few stitched despite my doctor doing a great job stretching me, but I felt strong and empowered overall! I was able to care for my son and myself with out much pain or discomfort after delivery. We opted for a 24 hour discharge and by Thursday evening, December 30th we were at home with our proud big brother, soaking up this family of four thing.

Weston is the perfect baby. He rarely cries unless being changed or touched by someone with cold hands. He shows no signs of jaundice, he poops and tinkles like a champ, and he is an amazing eater and sleeper. He is in love with Ryan and visa versa. We are so happy and content as we ring in the new year. We have so much to be grateful for. We love our little guys and our life together.

Happy new year.

bad at being pregnant

I legitimately feel bad for everyone I am friends with on facebook. I am just not a happy pregnant person I guess and I complain about it daily. I have turned into a complete whiner and I am so crabby! I just lay around in my sweat pants purgatory and eat pop tarts til my heart burn is so bad I want to rip out my own throat. I hate being pregnant but I LOVE having babies. So this will have to do, I have to get through the next 9 days (give or take a few) and then I will be in heaven with my little, pink, squishy, suckling newborn. ahhhh, bliss.

I am living it up with Ryan, we are doing whatever he wants. We cuddle lots, take naps with our faces squished together, share bowls of Nilla's.. He is loving it, so a part of me loves it too.

I have been reading so many birth stories, somehow all natural and super anti dr/hospital/medical intervention and it got me thinking. All of these women are walking around their homes, pushing in all sorts of positions, leading the delivery instead of being told what to do, and the kicker... EATING! Ahh I am a foodie, dont deprive me of a good meal for too long or you will get your head bit off. When I am in the hospital my OB said I was only aloud clear liquids and then after the epidural I could have ice chips. What the heck am I supposed to do if I am in labor in the hospital for 24 hours or something awfully long like that. I am already prepared to make a pit stop on the way and eat a huge meal to tide me over as long as it can. But I will also eat anyway.... its not like they will kick me out or take the food from my mouth, right?

Advice? What did you do when you were starving in labor?!?


Here's to one long week ahead.... oh and a Merry Christmas too ;)

this and that. happy weekend

Gah I am in loves with him. I found these from back in september when we still had the a/c on and he could run around pretty much nude.. or totally nude whatever rocked his boat at the time. Its literally freezing temperatures here now and I cant get him to wear a coat or a hat for the life of me! Crazy kid. I totally understand now why you always see seemingly dumb teenage boys in shorts while its snowing. My boy runs HOT all the time.

I think its the combination of reading this hilarious birth story, watching far too many youtube videos and 1 Born Every Minute on lifetime but every time I fall asleep I dream of giving birth. Its almost making me more tired when I wake up. Every time I am drug free in the water.. all natural granola style and totally opposite of my awesome "birth plan" I dont know what gives but its pretty crazy. I havent really planned to go that natural route, or really any route but pretty sure there wont be a birthing pool in my room THIS time.... ;)

Getting ready to start week 38.............................

Happy weekend friends! Oh and have you all downloaded PATH to your phones yet? Its pretty sweet. It makes us proud android carrying gals feel cool even thought we still cant get instagram though I read a news release thats its coming soon! Anyway go find us, Ryan and I upload pics and thoughts all day. It will be worth your while.

birth plan

There is always lots of talk about a mothers "birth plan" in the late stages of pregnancy. Music? Candles? Yoga ball? Pain meds or drug free? Then there are the classes, hypno-birthing, lamaze, bradley method and so on. Personally I have done none of this. My birth plan consists of:

Go to hospital

Get epidural while still in the parking lot ;)

Watch netflix on my xoom and sneak bites of food when my nurses are gone

When they pull out the stirrups I will start to push

Hug my sweet baby boy tightly and tell him over and over how much I love him and call it a day!

Good plan right? Maybe not, we shall see when we get there. I have never gone into labor before and really have no idea what to expect. I have read tons and watched far too many youtube videos. I have also witnessed a birth. I feel like things are going to happen the way they are and there isnt much I can do about it. Maybe I am wrong. But all I care about it having a healthy baby safe in my arms. I am not too particular on how it happens (I am still wanting a vbac though!)

I am almost 37 weeks and cant believe how fast and slow its going at the same time. I have been pregnant for NINE months! I am hoping to start dialating slowly and have this baby before christmas. I am not crossing my fingers too tightly because at 39 weeks with Ryan I still had no signs of labor but we shall see. My heartburn might actually be killing me and my belly is getting bit and my maternity pants too tight. Its like climbing Everest to carry Ryan up the stairs! I have never had a baby be head down before and it feels so weird, the insides of my legs are so sore all the time like I have been working out or something. I can point out at all times where his little bum is and he makes snow angels all day, you can see his arms and legs swimming around on my sides. I love it.

None of us can wait to meet our newest addition we love him to pieces already.

mama bear and pregnancy hormones.

*hey google reader friends, we have a new blog design come check it out!*

I am using my pregnant card quite frequently around these parts. I pull it when I have to go potty and we've only been in the car 2 minutes, when I am hungry for cereal and we are out of milk (thank you hubs!) when I have had a bad nights sleep and dont want to get up with Ryan, when I dont feel like cooking dinner or cleaning the house.

I think I am also using it lately with my parenting of Ryan. I am hormonal thats no lie. I am also a big mama bear. Dont mess with my baby, dont make him cry, dont make him scared... a you mess with my baby you mess with me kind of attitude. This is true for nursery at church, for babysitters, for grandparents, sometimes for daddy even. I dont want anyone messing with Ryans happy state. I dont want him uncomfortable or sad or scared or in pain. I dont want him to feel an ounce of it. I am always an advocate for my child but I have never been this big of a softy! I am blaming it on two key things-

Pregnancy: He isnt going to be my only baby much longer. I wont be able to drop it all for him and help him any time he wants or do whatever he needs in an instant. He is going to have to share my arms and my time. Thankfully I have learned already he can in fact share my heart. I am letting him soak up every moment of just US time for the next month and a half. I dont care what people say he is going to have to get used to sharing me eventually there will be no way around it. Why make him suffer now for no reason? Bring on the mama time :)

He is getting older: Call me crazy but I had an easier time with time outs, crying it out for bed,  putting him in church nursery for 2 hours, and leaving him screaming in the babysitters arms when he was younger. I know it sounds weird because he is older now and more capable of dealing with these things. But folks thats the worst part. He is older now, more aware, and never forgets. He still talks about things we did 4 months ago like it was yesterday. I know that he remembers me leaving him for Hawaii and how hard it was to be apart for so long. He has had a really rough time being back, he is having more panic attacks in the middle of the night, he is scared when I walk out of the room, he sobs when I leave him with someone else. Some might not agree but I really feel like the things we do now will play a part in the older child/teenager/adult he will become. When he was 9 months old I didnt mind as much if he felt upset when we went on a date because he wouldnt remember the next day. I cant bear the thought that he will remember screaming in the sitters arms tonight as we went out (we ended up coming home early because I couldnt take it)

I have enough battles to deal with him already, he DOES cry and he DOES get upset during the day. I am not walking on egg shells I promise. But in my pregnant, hormonal, mama bear, paranoid opinion why make him go through that with anyone else when we already have enough of it between the 2 of us. We argue over eating, sleeping, and wearing clothes. I dont need anything else. I just want him to be as happy as he can at all times. And when he is not happy it makes me crazy, I get sweaty and my heart races. I kind of freak out really (of course when I have to put him in time out or whatever thats fine cause I was in control of it)

I am losing it I realize this. But I am pretty darn content being his super hero these days and making everything better. There is no greater feeling that him running into my arms with a big sigh of relief and a kiss on the cheek.

30 weeks a reality check

...................................... I have so many things I want to say, as I am driving down the road listening to Ryan sing about elmo in the back seat it all comes to me. The second I sit down to let the thoughts pour out, they freeze. Its mentally exhausting to keep it all inside when my brain is going every which way at all times. Its even more exhausting at times like these to make sense of it all in the form of written word.

I am really good at crying about it though, ask husband. I had a nice little session last night and it felt good. It was a big nasty ugly cry too, not the cute pat my eyes so my make up doesnt run kind. Snotty nose, messy hair. Yeah it was perfect.

I am 30.5 weeks pregnant as we sit here and I as I laid on the ultrasound table this week I heard words I have never heard directed at me during pregnancy. "He is head down in the birthing position." My arms shot up in a touchdown. Heck yeah baby! This is what I wanted... right? I wanted a VBAC, I wanted to experience birth the other way, the way I never did with Ryan. I had prepared myself the last few months for another c section when week after week baby boy was stuck in the breech position. I had gone down this road with Ryan before. I had even picked a delivery date for this little guy.

But now that a VBAC is actually possible and in my very near future I am petrified. I hate not knowing and waiting around. I hate the uncertainty, I hate not knowing exactly when this baby will come. I hate the fact that I am sacred of it.

With so much uncertainty now of WHEN he would be coming I started looking around and making metal notes of all the things I need and want to get done. Natural nesting of course. Re paint bookshelves, hang curtains, get emergency kits put together, and so on. I have been taking care of my little family okay for the last 8 months. I do the laundry, I make sure there is food in the fridge but anything above and beyond basic needs has been put off for some other day. That other day is here. This baby could come in 4 weeks (my mother was about that early with all her babes) or he could come in 10. The term panic only begins to describe my feelings.

Its like my world is crashing down around me.Is it possible for postpartum depression to start while the baby is still in utero? I feel like it kicked in the morning of week 28 and the start of my 3rd trimester. I was expecting if after but this is another loop I have been thrown and its knocking me off my feet. I have whined relentlessly about hating being pregnant and wanting to be done and have him here already but now I just wish I could buy more time. More time to get my home in order, more time to get myself figured out (what kind of mom do I really want to be anyway?) and more time with my first baby.

I feel like I need 10 more years with just Ryan. He is back to not sleeping and its wearing on all of us so badly. I have morning all day sickness again and heartburn to boot, not to mention a very active 3 pound baby taking up space in my midsection. I cant run on no sleep. I am stressed, I am scared for the future, I am constantly worried I am ruining the child I already have.

And that is a portion of whats on my mind as I am driving down the road. Pray that we all get some sleep tonight, this mama needs rest.

xoxo

28 weeks

Offically into the third trimester and I again realize that I hate being pregnant. I love, love, love having babies so it is sort of a problem. Reasons I hate being pregnant include and are not limited to-
nausea (STILL!)
leg cramps
insomnia at night
headaches
back aches
constipation (dont pretend like it didnt happen to you!)
peeing every 30-45 minutes (I would get so much more done if this wasnt an issue)
swelling hands and feet
jiggly butt
belly button poking out like mt. everest
cant sleep on my back
heart burn
hair. lots of it. everywhere
cant reach my feet to put socks and shoes on
braxton hicks so bad I cant breathe
cant bend over to pick up ryan or unload the dishwasher
climbing in and out of the car is like an olympic sport
walking up stairs feels like running a marathon
prenatals make me barf
CRAZY dreams
my babies getting stuck in breech positions
baby trying to claw his way out of my body, his moving around is SO painful, not sweet and cute
boobs a little further south than before.
the smells.... oh the awful smells of everything.
crying over everything

This is a pretty accurate depiction of how I felt all day. Good bye second trimester, you were okay. I hate you third tri but one step closer to holding my other boy in my arms. 11 weeks. Hells yes.

And crazy me I will most likely do this again in a few years.... oh dear.

26 weeks awkward and awesome-ness

I have been reading Sydney's Awkward and Awesome installment since she started and today is my first go at it. As I was going through the first half of my day I couldnt help but think of a few things that apply. 

awesome: ryan playing with grandma all morning, hubs home from work for the next 4 days, going to the mall with hubs, childless, sipping salted caramel hot chocolate, and getting a 10 min chair massage. 

awkward: wearing heeled boots and my feet wanting to fall off and limp away as soon as we got in the door of the mall, going tinkle right before we left and then having to go again as soon as we got there (its close enough to walk to btw) the closest bathroom being upstairs in Macy's in some creepy back corner near the couches and bedroom sets, asking every store if they have bathing suits and them looking at us like we are nuts, yes I know its almost October. 

**********************************************************************************

I am 26.5 weeks pregnant today! Yahoo! Baby boy is viable, which is a term I hate cause it sounds awful and morbid but there is something about getting to this point that helps me breath a little easier and walk with an extra pep in my step. My body did it, we made it this far! 

26 weeks: 

weight gain- 17 lbs thank you to onion dip and poptarts, thankfully not together. 

Still breech, have a feeling it will be the same as Ryan and never flip- getting used to the idea of maybe another c section though I am still bummed. My OB is working with the university hospital here on a new procedure to vaginally deliver frank breech (butt first) babies. He said if thats something I wanted to do we can see if thats an option for me. It freaks me out, NO way!

He doesnt really look like Ryan from his 3D ultrasounds and here I thought they would be twinsies. His nose it totally from MY side of the family, boooo. 

Still sleeping like crappers, between heart burn, restless achy muscles, and just wanting to lay on my back its almost pointless some nights.

He is SO much lower than Ryan its crazy! I feel like I have to hold him in when I walk around. Ryan was high and in the front, this baby is LOW and in my back. 

The best news of all is passing my glucose test with an 89! First time around with Ryan I got a 220 and didnt even have to do the 3 hour. I was told that I most likely had it again and thought from earlier sugar scores I did at home I was diabetic again but I AM NOT!! I ate a huge chocolate bar today in celebration.

I am starting to see lots of differences in them and I am kind of excited about it, it will be a whole new experience.

We also have a name picked out. I feel weird telling people that we do and we arent telling so then I tell some people and 75% of the time I get a bad reaction. SO I guess here goes. We have a name and YOU HAVE TO WAIT til hes born to hear it, people do it all the darn time so deal. Its not like its a weird one or anything..

:) Thanks for understanding!

worn out mama

I wish I had some beautiful pictures or something lovely so say tonight. I am just so tired. I was feeling okay for a little bit there and now I am just dead and worn out! I had to tell my friend I wasnt able to watch her sweet little boy anymore too :( I am sad that he wont be coming over in the mornings but my belly is too big to hold babies and I am too exhausted an hour after I wake up to keep with the demands of 2 little boys right now.

I am trying to hard to keep a happy face for Ryan as "mommy happy!" is so important to him. He is the sweetest craziest boy ever and just wants everyone he is around to be in the best of moods. I feel like I am constantly failing him. I get short, I let the little things bug me, I get annoyed when he sits to close. And it kills me. I feel like a horrible mom most of the time and wish there was more I could do right now.

I keep telling myself to buck up but it aint happening easily. Between you and I dear friend, I am usually on some sort of mood stabilizing medication. I hate that I am a better person with a pill in the morning but its true. I cope better, I sleep better, I laugh easier,I focus better, I let things roll off my back. I took my medication without fear my whole first pregnancy and doubled the dose after Ryan was born to combat my postpartum depression. Then came the warning from the FDA that usage of SSRI's during pregnancy has shown to increase the risk of birth defects. So when I saw the positive pregnancy test this time I glanced over at the bottle on the counter and said a little prayer for me and my family for the next 8 months. I would be going without to give this boy the best chance at a healthy life.

Its been a struggle. When I feel myself sinking I cling to the little kicks I feel in my belly and know its for him. I am trying to be my best self and put my best foot forward for me, for my kids, and for the hubs who gets the brunt of all my crap. But if its okay to ask, I'd appreciate some good vibes and a prayer for us tonight.

I think we all just need a really big hug too. Or chocolate, which hubs just came home from the store with. Thank you babe.

20 weeks

Its HUMP week. That means we are half way baby. I cant believe in 20 short weeks this little jelly bean will be fully cooked and mine all mine forever. I am praying fervently that the last half will go just as fast as the first. Between now and due date we are

moving from an apartment to a rental house- yahoo for more bedrooms, there is no way with ryans *awesome sleeping habits I can do a shared nursery, none of us would ever sleep again

hub's family coming to town for the baby blessing of my newest niece Kailer, I cant wait to meet her.

massive family trip to Hawaii (happy 28 weeks to me) have I mentioned this trip is GROWN UPS ONLY and for 7 days.

Halloween- matching (themed) family costumes this year, you just wait and see

And then those little things like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Time is going to fly.


Okay back to jelly bean. We have 3 names picked out and still not sure on what its going to be yet! I might put myself out there and put up a poll or something but it will probably come down to seeing his sweet face in person to make the final call.

the stats

week: 20, 139 days to go
weight gain- 13 lbs. all in the girls and my booty
cravings- slushies, otis spunkmeyer cookies, peanut butter with apples, and Kix
baby's heart rate- 142

facts- sciatic nerve going nuts and killing me. I about die when I stand up and walk around.I am going to the chiro 3 times a week.
sleeping like POO, I am so tired all the time but am wide awake when I hit the pillow.
baby is moving like crazy cakes. he hurts me sometimes
heart burn from drinking water. whats the wives tale about lots of hair? hoping thats true.
like I mentioned most weight is going to my butt, I am happy to say that I can actually fill out my pants.
I am to the point where I cant rock Ryan anymore, it makes both of us so sad but at least he still has daddy. I am scared for the day where I cant pick him up!
At the ultrasound today everything looked AMAZING. He is cute for a scrawny little thing. I did have to tinkle THREE times while we were there if that says anything about how I spend my days lately.

having a baby

Okay I may still feel like poo tonight but then I got to looking at some old pictures. I get to have another one of these cute munchkins. And I am pretty sure they will be twins, we have some strong genes in this house.

P.S. Ryan knows all his basic colors :) He is so smart. 

sometimes pregnancy sucks

But dont shoot the messenger, I said sometimes, as in not all the time. Sometimes I feel okay (never great but you can do anything for 9 months right!) sometimes I dont feel nauseous, sometimes I dont have a raging migraine, sometimes I dont ache from head to toe long enough to contemplate getting dressed.

This picture was taken as a joke, my belly was hanging out the bottom of my shirt so I tucked it in- my hair, lets not even go there. But this is how I feel 95% of the time. Last night I went to 3 different gas stations to find the perfect Slurpee, it wasnt until I got home I realized I didnt put a bra on before I left and I had my pajama pants on.

Yes we are keeping it all sorts of classy around these parts.

And oh the heart burn, sweet mother of paul, the heart burn. I think I have blisters in my throat from the tacos I ate yesterday.

See isnt pregnancy tolerable lovely? Yay for 17 weeks, today December feels like a lifetime away.

lately.

I feel like every few months I have a post with the same title. Lately. Its my way of saying oops sorry I havent blogged in a bit and thanks for hanging on while we took an accidental break. I never really plan it but I love the fact that I blog when I want to, I dont ever feel pressure to sit down and say to myself oh heck what am I going to write about tonight. I have had a busy busy few weeks but we are back! Mostly my computers are now functioning again and I can blog with pictures. Sometimes I feel like its pointless unless I have at least one.

First off I posted that we are having a BOY! Then I disappeared. I promise from the bottom of my heart it wasnt to go sulk in the corner because my dreams of pink are put off a little longer. Okay maybe I did that for about 10 minutes one day and then went back to being happy as can be. Remember when I said we all had our guesses and waiting to see if we were right. Yeah, we were wrong. But I am so excited to meet this little dude. Our bond is growing stronger and the fears I had in the first trimester are gone (for the most part) He is feisty for sure. When ever I get so busy I forget that I have a ever growing baby bump and squish him he not so kindly reminds me of his presence by kicking me in my right ribs. I have already bought a few things that will be just HIS. Okay maybe more than a few things, I went a little crazy at the Pumpkin Patch and already have his first outfit picked out. It may be a *tiny preemie size, as in smaller than regular preemie but my babies are small it should fit him for a day or two. It was too cute to resist.

I am getting into a good grove watching my friends 4 month old, here on out known as baby J. Ryan is in love with him and thinks this is the baby brother we have been talking about. We will have to explain that one to him later. But for now I will take it. He helps out SO much getting me whatever I need, helps give bottles, burps him, and my favorite- they love to lay on my bed together and watch tv. Ryan loves when he gets up tues-friday and his baby J is here.

I have been feeling pretty good, still some hard sicky pregger days but overall I am just tired which is okay cause I take a nap with the boys in the afternoon and try to go to bed early. I need to post a belly shot soon, I "popped" this week I think. Yay for 17, almost half way!

We were featured on Hi, Baby this week! Dear Melissa emailed me with some pretty funny questions to answer, go check it out if you wish.

I also am quite happy with a recent senior photography session I just did. It helped that Hayden was practically a model. If you're in the area and want to be photographed my contact information is here or on that site as well :)

Oh thats right I promised pictures in this post as well.

I hope his brother looks like just him.