#goodchoicejar

Do you guys ever feel like you are totally dropping the parenting ball? I do, a lot, usually every day around 4:30 when both kids start completely melting into emotional messes.

I will admit I resort to raising my voice more often than I should... even spanking (and the crowd goes silent while someone throws rotten food at me) I refuse to raise entitled brats as brash as that sounds. I have spent my fair share around kids and teenagers the last few years and it is a sad scary thing to witness. I want my kids to have good manners, respect their elders for the sole fact that they are older than them, freely serve others, and understand that their actions big and small effect everyone around them.

I want them to make good choices because obedience makes them happy and they like feeling good about it and not out of fear of the consequences from poor choices. I can dream that they will clean their rooms because they it makes them feel peaceful and relaxed after not because they will be grounded or have their phone taken away if they don't.... a mom can dream right?

So we have started the Good Choice Jar. We had a little family meeting about it tonight- the plan is for me and hubs to keep a few in our pockets or near by throughout the day, if we see Ryan making "a good choice" like clearing his plate, helping Weston, playing nicely, getting his shoes on without a fight, or even flushing the toilet he gets a marble to put in the jar. I will be handing them out in abundance the first bit to get the momentum going, anything I see that is positive gets rewarded! There are 2 reward levels, half full and full. Ryan decided on what he wants for each and is stoked, he already earned 4 tonight.

I think it will also be good for ME as a mom to look for the good things during my day, and when things are really hard I can see the jar and think of all the awesome moments we had instead of dwelling on the bad. I pray it will change my view of parenting these littles. I know I will have to focus more on them to notice the good and I hope to give at least 10 marbles out tomorrow.

We have set some strict rules for ourselves as parents because we want the jar to be solely positive, remember making good choices because he WANTS too. No threatening "if you don't do this you won't get a marble..." or taking them away for bad behavior. Sure the bad stuff will still be punished with timeouts and losing other privileges like always but I want to shift the focus to rewarding GOOD behavior. Kids want attention regardless so let's give them way more attention for good than bad and hopefully if will shift overall behavior. Right....? Maybe....?

I posted on Instagram about it and people seemed pretty excited so I am using the #goodchoicejar if you decide to do it with your kids use it too! I can follow it on IG or twitter, it will be fun to watch. I will update with my progress as well.

wish us luck!

living with purpose

Wow, never in my blogging life have I had a lull like the last... oh, 5 months or so. I just kept saying that I had writers block or didn't know what to write about, or even just checking in saying "we are still alive, here is a picture." 

Hard truth is, there were things I couldn't really talk about, and I knew if I sat down at the keyboard that it would be a huge fight with myself to not just write my brains out. I wanted to scream from the roof tops what I was going through because somehow that helps. Maybe its that the weight of it isn't on my shoulders anymore and out there in the open, or its the validation I receive. No Lauren, you aren't crazy and yes your feelings matter... I don't know. So instead of writing about light hearted, happy things I just stopped all together. 

And because I know you are wondering... it's marriage and its impossibly difficult.

But I messed up. I shouldn't have stopped. I should have kept writing. I was missing moments in my kids lives, I wasn't capturing their growth and their deepening bond for one another. While I was sitting over here in my corner licking my proverbial wounds they were out there living life and blossoming. I know that sounds weird- that I was missing moments. But let me tell you something about myself. When I blog regularly and keep my camera close I am a better person. It makes me live intentionally. Moments aren't staged so I can photograph and write about them, everything happens naturally... but I am forced to notice them. To stop and take in the scene and appreciate the little moments and the beauty that is this life. 

"One of my favorite things about photography: that moment of "church" at my desk when I'm editing photos-- given the chance to stare at a moment for much longer than it actually lasted. Noticing things that might have been ignored. seeing the people and things I love with a different perspective. The art of picture-taking has truly made me a more observant, grateful, life-loving human. Amen."  

- Kelle Hampton

So I was just living hour by hour, waiting for the next nap or bed time. I wasn't taking it in, I wasn't letting my kids mold me and change me. I was just stuck, frozen in my frustration and pain. I couldn't see past it. Before you get worried, I still took care of them. They were fed, bathed, cuddled, driven to activities, and played with. But I was an empty shell. My body went through the motions, my face smiled and my eyes lit up for them all while I was crying inside. It was exhausting keeping up with both sides. The inside and the out.I guess I am sitting here and nothing has noticeably changed but in my heart I am striving too.

In February and March I took maybe 5 photos combined with my big camera. I did use IG a lot but its not the same. I don't get fired up by the weight in my hands and the rolling of the shutter speed. This last week I photographed our day and while I am pretty rusty at photographing my own kids at home it was a healing experience. Like Kelle said, I had my church moment editing those photos.

My kids area beautiful, smart, full of love and life. They are incredible. I can easily tell when I am photographing them because I am in the moment, with purpose. I plan have more of these unbridled moments with them so be prepared for the photo overload that is coming your way.

And now for the things I have missed. Weston will be 16 months old in April. He is running, climbing, starting to sign back to us, and is obsessed with his brother/best friend. While he is still mild mannered most times he is showing us what youngest siblings are all about. He wants to be heard and have his feelings validated and if you don't.. if he thinks he is being pushed aside for any reason, boy will let you know. I find his overly dramatic tantrums laying face down on the floor sweet and welcome the excuse to validate his feelings and have a quick cuddle on the couch.

Ryan is a welcomed breath of fresh air. He is thriving in so many ways. He is back in school, he is learning to read, he is finally getting the fun of  "imaginative play" and wants to be he-man/power ranger/spider man at all times. He has even changed his name to Antonio (the gold power ranger) He makes me laugh and is sensitive to my needs and suggests we cuddle and take a nap every now and then. He keeps me on my toes, reminding me that stupid and hate are not nice words and lets me know what I should use instead. He prays with intent. He realizes his role as a big brother- a teacher, a friend, an ally, a companion, and an example. He will soon be celebrating his fourth birthday and is requesting a night at the Olive Garden with his grandparents instead of a big party. We are fine by that.

They are best friends. I knew they would be. While they have stubborn spats they love each other deeply and flow together well. Their personalities balance wonderfully and they are better off together than apart. While Ryan looks forward to sleep overs at Grandma's house they are both very pleased when its over and they are together again. I can't imagine one with out the other. Even 2.5 years apart, they are a packaged pair.

mom brain

I have heard the term "mom brain" for a while, before I had my own kids, and before I had this dreaded symptom of becoming a parent myself. 

I feel like I have no working brain cells anymore! I forget everything, if I don't make a note of it it will slip my mind- from play dates to picking up something from a friends house. I forget to bring extra diapers and wipes when we leave the house, I leave half the pile of library books at home. Its ridiculous! 

I forget things I say to people thus making my friends think I have short term memory loss- yup you already told me that... 3 times... sorry. I think it's a combination of the lack of sleep for 4 years, the nagging for more mac and cheese and "no, not THAT power ranger episode" that have driven me into this mom brain fog. 

I pray that someday, it will lift and I will resume life as a normal person. Does anyone else feel this way? Please tell me I am not the only one. 

Just so you don't worry- they are fed, dressed, mostly happy, and cuddled every single day. 

And if you are a photography client friend- I reserve a special section of working brain cells just for you. All of that works flawlessly. Have no fear. 

growing up is hard | a letter to Ryan

 first day of sunbeams at church

My dear monkey man,

I have had this letter to you in my head, it plays itself over and over the past year. I hope I can put into understandable words the things I am thinking.

You are going to be four years old this year, in about 4 months actually. And its hard for you. While there are some things about growing up that you like- getting to watch power rangers and walk in the parking lot, there a lot of things you don't like at all.

A lot of times you tell me you are still two, and too little to do the thing requested of you. You still want to sit in a high chair and use a sippy cup, you havent given up diapers completely, you'd rather be carried around, need to be cuddled to sleep every night, and insist on having help with pretty much everything (going potty, getting dressed, feeding yourself) if I let you, you would still sit in a bumbo and chill in a baby swing and/or jumperoo. yes you still fit in all of those.

I know you are able and are really good at all of those things. I know it is because you fear growing up and getting older. When you were a baby you had mommy to help you with everything and be with you for practically every moment of your life. Now that you are older, and you have a little brother I am no hands on as much. I request that you go get your own shoes from the basket in the hall and to sit at the table and eat a sandwich whole instead of cut into little bites because I am busy with a baby. I am sorry that I can't still do everything for you and that sometimes you feel left out.

But my son, let me tell you something. Growing up is incredible and you will love it. Now that you are bigger we can do so many fun things together. We paint, make forts, stay up late for movie and pop corn, have tickle fights, have lunch dates, and so much more. One of my favorite things we do together is just talk. I love laying in your bed with you and talking about life. We talk about everything from your favorite toy of the moment to what you want to be when you grow up (toy swords, and a scuba diver!) I feel like I really know you so well, and not just because I am your mom but because I have spent so many hours getting inside your head trying to understand you and the personality you were blessed to be born with.

Each year you will have more and more exciting things to look forward too! You will get to play sports, learn an instrument of your choosing, get to be in cub scouts and boy scouts, date, drive a car............ I can go on forever! While life is hard and growing up certainly has its rough spots- that is one I am still learning, life is something to be celebrated and enjoyed. I want to show you that there is something great in each phase of your life and fabulous things you can do.

Just like the baby stage was awesome, and the toddler stage was cool... this big kid stuff? It rocks, trust me and you're going to be GREAT at it.

Love,
mama

life lately

Ryan asks me all the time- so tell me about your day! Or in the morning he will say "tell me about your day, the one called yesterday"

This morning we had an interesting conversation about babies because he was confused why Nemo didn't grow in his mommy's belly.

I also couldnt find Finding Nemo in our movie queue because its called FINDING Nemo, not just Nemo. It took me way too long to realize that one.

Weston is taking STEPS. It's not enough to call it walking by any means but it is pretty exciting.

He is signing "more" for the first time

Somehow the kids have both been sleeping in til around 9am. Its heavenly. Weston sleeps because Ryan isnt bugging him and Ryan sleeps because I let him sleep on a little bed on the floor in my room. win/win, yes.

I bought my first jug of cider this season, why I didn't do this a month ago I will never understand

Ryan is totally rocking it at preschool and I have a fridge full of projects and homework sheets to prove it!

The current favorite toy of both my boys is a pack of kazoo's I got in the dollar bin at target.

We are watching UP. I have never seen it before (yeah I know) I just bawled through the scene where they showed their life together!

On repeat-

toddler battles

Don't let this face fool you...

We are having a stand off right now over ONE bite of soup. I am going to just scream into my pillow I am so frustrated. Boy thinks he rules this house and can do/say/act however he wants. He gets disciplined but wont sit in time out, wont follow reward charts, won't do what he is told ever. He says no on everything, just to say no. I cant ask him to do something he wants to do- but if I ask him to listen all bets are off. 

He refuses to eat anything I make for dinner. He gets his own meal every night and I am so sick of it. I am raising him to be spoiled and selfish. He knows he can just scream and fight and eventually get his way. 

The problem is he has stamina. He will fight for HOURS on something. I have never "won" a battle with him because we fight for so long and then life happens and its time to leave the house, I have a meeting, somewhere to be, something to do, or its 2 hours past bedtime. I have never been able to just stick it out- therefore he knows if he fights long enough and screams loud enough he will get his way. 

I feel so trapped by parenting this toddler man child. Our neighbors just listen to the tantrums and screaming timeouts locked in the garage (I don't have anywhere else to put him and I would have to psychically hold him in a timeout chair or spot so hard he would have bruises) 

He is starting to manipulate us. I have to gain control. I have tried everything under the sun- rewards, praise, charts, games, timeouts, taking things away, grounding, flick on the cheek (when he screams NO at me) I have even done a bit of love and logic that everyone swears by. He literally doesn't care.

But get this- he is PERFECT for everyone but his parents. No one has issues, he listens, he helps. He isnt a BAD kid, he is actually pretty darn great. He just knows he has our number and uses it against us. 

I am just SO frustrated tonight, needed to vent. I am in for a long one, I am sure he won't sleep much due to being hungry. He has to take the dreaded bite of soup in the morning before he can have breakfast. If he doesn't eat breakfast he can't go to school.... you see the cycle here.... and I have a pretty big day planned for work already. 

But I have to stick to my guns, I have to be the head of this house, not my three year old.

Ryan, I promise this is for your own good. I love you and you will understand eventually and probably thank me for not letting you grow up to be spoiled rotten. 

xoxo,

Mom

the land of sleepless nights

The littles are up around 7.

Weston takes his usual naps

Ryan doesnt anymore, I can maybe get one every other week or so, and if he does he plans it so nicely that he is asleep the exact amount of time that his brother is awake.

Ryan goes to bed at 8

Weston at 9

by the time I am done doing a combination of:

taking a real shower- the kind where I am childless and can shave my legs without a 3 year old smacking my butt and laughing

cleaning

dishes

laundry

working out (rarely)

organizing

tackling house projects

working- editing, emails, marketing, phone calls, prepping client galleries

blogging here

catching up with friends on facebook...

its about midnight. I go to bed every night when I can't keep my eyes open anymore and my body is so tired it hurts to move. There is always 100 things that still need to be done too.

Then about 10 minutes after I lay my head down and fall asleep the kids start tag teaming it.

Weston wakes up for a feeding

Ryan has finally pooped and needs to be changed

he also requests a snack of some sort

both need to be rocked and cuddled back to sleep and then wake up a few times before they are out

its 2 am and I finally sleep.

Start it all over again at 5 am.

Good morning at 7 am. 

And its all mom-sleep. The kind where you have one eye open and can still hear every little creak and every ruffle of blankets. never deep, always on guard ready to fly down the hall and soothe kid 1 before kid 2 has a chance to be woken up by crying. 

Guys, I am beat. 

lately

Preschool is going great. I love my two mornings a week to get stuff done without the helping hands of a three year old.

Photography is amazing. I love my business, I love my clients, I love that it gives me a creative outlet and I so desperately need.

Weston got into some nasty sleep habits, waking up every hour or so at night. It all started with a cold and then getting 4 top teeth and now he hasnt broken it and I fear I will have to sleep train him- I am not a fan of it but he needs help getting back into a good groove.

Ryan still wont #2 on the toilet. Oh my dear heavens I hate it.

My hair feels like its growing again. Yay!

I think I am still worn out from my trip to Idaho a week ago. I have a constant headache and I am on a caffeine kick that I can't break. Must have diet coke.......

I wish my house was clean all the time.

For once in my life I don't have baby fever. If you know me well, this is pretty much crazy talk. I always want a baby. But for now I am quite content with my 2 little boys and feeling very happy with it being just us for now.

I went to target twice today. Two different locations too.

.'s are awful.

Sometimes I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, they hurt so bad and I have muscle knots the size of Texas.

I had a night full of amazing dreams last night. I am always a vivid dreamer and they stick with me throughout the day, so I welcome the happy ones because I have too many nightmares.

I get to see my mama this weekend :)

We found a caterpillar in our yard and he is now our new pet, even though Ryan is terrified of him.

Got Ry his superman costume for halloween and he wears it daily.

Went on a pretty sweet hike on Monday  We are not outdoor-sy people but it was a nice change from the normal mundane day to day.

It finally feels like fall and I get to wear my boots again.

balance, again.

This little blog life can be complicated. I don't ever want to deceive and I want to have full disclosure because I fear people will think I am being dishonest- But I want to stay positive and not let this be a dumping ground for every bad day and every frustrating parenting situation. I want to talk about the joys of motherhood and how happy I am in my role but be realistic that sometimes it sucks, sometimes I worry that I am not cut out for this.

I have said something similar to this on my blog every few months or so and in my tight knit group of blog mom friends I think we all feel the same- try to stay positive but be realistic, and when all else fails post cute pictures of our kids- because well, that makes everyone's day a little brighter.

This hunk o' love is going to be 9 months old next week. For real? Where did the time go?

And while I am all being honest and realistic and stuff- I have had 3 cans of diet coke today and finally feel like I have an ounce of energy. Now that Weston isn't nursing every 2 hours and my body is back to normal functioning woman mode, I am reminded why at one point in time I thought it was just best to be constantly pregnant or breastfeeding a small infant. But I will just deal, because no babies will be gracing this womb for quite a long while.

things that make me happy

could also be titled-

things that make me crazy
things that make me cry
things that make me proud of my kids

playing at the beach on labor day with the family. the new-to-me wagon I got at a flea market. my new camera. sick and snuggling in bed with weston. watching my boys wrestle. physically and emotionally drained. hanging in the car. ryan telling me about his day while on a nature walk. playdough. nekkid baby bums. lazy mornings. pack n play licking. sun bathing baby. park time. bath time. so happy I am still nursing.

come follow us on instagram @ lauren_meandmine

me and mine in Deseret News

A few weeks back I got an email from a reporter from my old home state of Utah! We talked a bit back and forth via email that day and then this evening I learned that the article she was working on had been published and was on the front page of Deseret News, the family section.

I know it was just a few lines and a few photos but I am sitting on cloud nine. Silly, but let me bask in this for a few days.

For the full article click HERE.

meet my friend, perspective

I am the oldest of 4 children. I grew up in a happy home with parents who are still married today. We went to church every Sunday and I spent my time playing house with my sisters and doing gymnastics. I always thought we would grow up to be sort of the same- same lifestyle, same view, same morals and beliefs. That we would all get married and have babies and be best friends. However we didn't- we are all very different and though I love them all I struggle with the whole family unity aspect. For example, my baby sister is a drug addict. She struggles daily and isn't in a place where she can accept the help we are so desperately trying to give her. The things she has and is going through are unimaginable and it kills me to see the path she is on.

Where am I going with this? It is all about perspective. I call my mom almost daily and half of the time in tears because I am so overwhelmed with my life. My house isnt clean enough, I ruined dinner last night, I cant fit into my clothes, my toddler is trashing my house and my emotional health, and I don't feel like my baby gets enough attention because he just gets the leftovers- a tired, cranky, worn out mom who's not fun to be around and is too frazzled to let the mama milk flow.

Then my mom ever so gently reminds me that I know where they sleep at night and how they spend their days. It hits me like a ton of bricks every single time. I can hug my babies, I can kiss their foreheads and smell their fresh-from-the-bath skin. I can play with them in the messy house I complain about and I can feed them ppb&j when I over salt the mac and cheese. They are here and they are safe.

I have friends and family who have angel babies in heaven, who have watched loved ones pass away, who have dealt with disease and sickness, who have struggled with things I can't even imagine. When I look around at the struggles other face I realize that I should gladly except my own. And when I think I can't possibly handle another minute I need to remember that I was given what I could handle and this life is for teaching and growing.

I shouldn't get so obsessed with perfection- in my house, with my kids, in my marriage, with myself. I should just love what I have and try my best to be better with the help of the Lord. I should be grateful for the little things. Sure Ryan accidentally punched me in the face (he was dancing?!) but when I was crying on the couch he came over and hugged my arm and asked to kiss it better. In a moment when I was filled with rage and pain I had to focus on the sweetness of my boy.

But friends, it is really freaking hard. When quiet time has turned into an hour of non stop screaming at the top of ones lungs in his room while I try to keep the baby focused on the boob, and then scramble to clean up  50 messes so I can make a new one when I cook dinner, all perspective goes right out the window. In that moment, NOTHING can be more unbearable.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Then I take it one step further. In the long run, the fact that Ryan stopped napping regularly (I get on average one a week now) in may wont matter. Or that he refuses to eat any meal I prepare and lives on mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. I should just let it go. But then I have this irrational fear that if I do let it go, my children will grow up to be menaces of society because I let them get away with stuff as young children. I am a pretty strict parent but I break after hours and hours of fighting with him and then my mom pulls the perspective card again. Go get him from his room and just hold him. I know he is making you livid but he will only be three for a very, very short time. This phase will pass more quickly than you can ever imagine. Enjoy it while it is here.

I need to live in the moment more and enjoy the phase we are IN. I need to stop dreaming of the someday because when I am in my "someday" I will wish for another. I need to find the balance between having rules and raising respectful, responsible children, and then realizing that sometimes you just have to let go and live- take advantage of every passing minute and not waste my days in timeouts and stubborn stand offs.

It has already been 4 years since I got pregnant with Ryan. It still feels like yesterday when I saw a positive pregnancy test on the edge of the bathtub. These moments are going faster than I realize in the heat of it. This rant has been a lot of "I should" and "I need" I am going to make it "I am"