for new baby boy

I go through phases where I have SO much to write about I literally keep a running list of topics on a note pad because I come up with 50 things a day. Other times I have dry spells where I realize its been over a week and I havent pulled out my camera once and have nothing really to say.

I still havent pulled out my camera but I have been thinking about our little baby boy for a while now, he has seemed to consume my thoughts and dreams every moment for the last week. I was planning on blogging more about and for him during this pregnancy but super cool big brother has taken center stage. Regardless I love both of my boys beyond words already. I feel so blessed to be their mother.

To my sweet little jelly bean, mommy loves you SO much. I havent held you in my arms yet but I have held you in my belly and in my heart for the last 9 months. You are so apart of me and who I am. You represent a new beginning for this family. I have no doubt that you are coming to us exactly when we needed you the most. Barely 4 lbs and still havent taken your first breath yet you have tied our family together again and have saved us. For that we will always be grateful. Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he sent you to us last April. In a few short weeks I will get to kiss your perfect cheeks and tell you face to face how much I love and cherish you. I cant wait.

You have an amazing big brother and an amazing daddy to come to as well. You are so lucky to have these guys in your life, they love you too! Today you were getting checked out at the doctor and Ryan was so excited when he got to hear your heart beat and kept yelling BABY! over and over. Last night he rubbed my belly and told you to get out so you could come play with him.

I know you have to cook a little while longer and get some sweet little baby chunk on you before you are ready for us but baby boy, let me tell ya, we are SO ready for you.

birth plan

There is always lots of talk about a mothers "birth plan" in the late stages of pregnancy. Music? Candles? Yoga ball? Pain meds or drug free? Then there are the classes, hypno-birthing, lamaze, bradley method and so on. Personally I have done none of this. My birth plan consists of:

Go to hospital

Get epidural while still in the parking lot ;)

Watch netflix on my xoom and sneak bites of food when my nurses are gone

When they pull out the stirrups I will start to push

Hug my sweet baby boy tightly and tell him over and over how much I love him and call it a day!

Good plan right? Maybe not, we shall see when we get there. I have never gone into labor before and really have no idea what to expect. I have read tons and watched far too many youtube videos. I have also witnessed a birth. I feel like things are going to happen the way they are and there isnt much I can do about it. Maybe I am wrong. But all I care about it having a healthy baby safe in my arms. I am not too particular on how it happens (I am still wanting a vbac though!)

I am almost 37 weeks and cant believe how fast and slow its going at the same time. I have been pregnant for NINE months! I am hoping to start dialating slowly and have this baby before christmas. I am not crossing my fingers too tightly because at 39 weeks with Ryan I still had no signs of labor but we shall see. My heartburn might actually be killing me and my belly is getting bit and my maternity pants too tight. Its like climbing Everest to carry Ryan up the stairs! I have never had a baby be head down before and it feels so weird, the insides of my legs are so sore all the time like I have been working out or something. I can point out at all times where his little bum is and he makes snow angels all day, you can see his arms and legs swimming around on my sides. I love it.

None of us can wait to meet our newest addition we love him to pieces already.

26 weeks awkward and awesome-ness

I have been reading Sydney's Awkward and Awesome installment since she started and today is my first go at it. As I was going through the first half of my day I couldnt help but think of a few things that apply. 

awesome: ryan playing with grandma all morning, hubs home from work for the next 4 days, going to the mall with hubs, childless, sipping salted caramel hot chocolate, and getting a 10 min chair massage. 

awkward: wearing heeled boots and my feet wanting to fall off and limp away as soon as we got in the door of the mall, going tinkle right before we left and then having to go again as soon as we got there (its close enough to walk to btw) the closest bathroom being upstairs in Macy's in some creepy back corner near the couches and bedroom sets, asking every store if they have bathing suits and them looking at us like we are nuts, yes I know its almost October. 

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I am 26.5 weeks pregnant today! Yahoo! Baby boy is viable, which is a term I hate cause it sounds awful and morbid but there is something about getting to this point that helps me breath a little easier and walk with an extra pep in my step. My body did it, we made it this far! 

26 weeks: 

weight gain- 17 lbs thank you to onion dip and poptarts, thankfully not together. 

Still breech, have a feeling it will be the same as Ryan and never flip- getting used to the idea of maybe another c section though I am still bummed. My OB is working with the university hospital here on a new procedure to vaginally deliver frank breech (butt first) babies. He said if thats something I wanted to do we can see if thats an option for me. It freaks me out, NO way!

He doesnt really look like Ryan from his 3D ultrasounds and here I thought they would be twinsies. His nose it totally from MY side of the family, boooo. 

Still sleeping like crappers, between heart burn, restless achy muscles, and just wanting to lay on my back its almost pointless some nights.

He is SO much lower than Ryan its crazy! I feel like I have to hold him in when I walk around. Ryan was high and in the front, this baby is LOW and in my back. 

The best news of all is passing my glucose test with an 89! First time around with Ryan I got a 220 and didnt even have to do the 3 hour. I was told that I most likely had it again and thought from earlier sugar scores I did at home I was diabetic again but I AM NOT!! I ate a huge chocolate bar today in celebration.

I am starting to see lots of differences in them and I am kind of excited about it, it will be a whole new experience.

We also have a name picked out. I feel weird telling people that we do and we arent telling so then I tell some people and 75% of the time I get a bad reaction. SO I guess here goes. We have a name and YOU HAVE TO WAIT til hes born to hear it, people do it all the darn time so deal. Its not like its a weird one or anything..

:) Thanks for understanding!

ebb and flow

"to decrease and then increase, as with tides; a decrease followed by an increase, as with tides."

Its ebb and flow over here, just when I start to fill the good mom side of the scale the other side tries piling up as quickly as it can. I usually have a stash of pictures just sitting there in their folder waiting for a night like this when I just need to type away for a while with no real path way to follow. Its nice to break up the rambling of my heart with some sweet faced smiling little boy, or bare feet in the grass but tonight its just me and some words baby. 

I have big dreams for these two boys of mine. I want big things for them. Not to full fill any need of my own but to see them suck every minute up they can of this big thing called life. I want to see them go through with minimal regrets, with scars that tell stories, and with memories burned so clearly in their minds that they share them with their grandchildren on a porch swing 60 years from now. I want them to have a passion for life and a fire in their souls. 

I want them to be best friends. I have been watching Ryan play with his cousins this week and he loves them so much. He walks around holding baby K's hand and tries to keep up with older cousin C. He sits still on the couch and holds the other baby K while giving her sweet soft kisses. He will be the best big brother. At this moment baby brother is kicking away with gusto. I like to think he's agreeing with me. My boys love each other already. Today Ryan sat on the couch and felt the kicks of his brother while we watched sesame street. He gets it, he really does. Thats his baby in there. 

I hope they grow up leaning on each other and the Lord. I hope they have an inseparable bond that gets them both though the times when mom and dad arent enough or arent around. That they can truly be an anchor for the other. So now the daunting task of making sure that happens or trying my darnest to see it through. How do I instill in my sons the important title that is "brother" and being part of something greater than yourself... being a part of a family unit that is forever. 

okay I found a picture via

Any advice is much appreciated because I doubt myself. I doubt my abilities to raise stellar sons in this crazy world we are apart of. I do have big dreams but I need big plans to make sure they fall into place. I know my heart can hold enough love to tackle these two boys, but is there enough of me? Is there enough hours in the day and enough energy in my body to make it happen? 

20 weeks

Its HUMP week. That means we are half way baby. I cant believe in 20 short weeks this little jelly bean will be fully cooked and mine all mine forever. I am praying fervently that the last half will go just as fast as the first. Between now and due date we are

moving from an apartment to a rental house- yahoo for more bedrooms, there is no way with ryans *awesome sleeping habits I can do a shared nursery, none of us would ever sleep again

hub's family coming to town for the baby blessing of my newest niece Kailer, I cant wait to meet her.

massive family trip to Hawaii (happy 28 weeks to me) have I mentioned this trip is GROWN UPS ONLY and for 7 days.

Halloween- matching (themed) family costumes this year, you just wait and see

And then those little things like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Time is going to fly.


Okay back to jelly bean. We have 3 names picked out and still not sure on what its going to be yet! I might put myself out there and put up a poll or something but it will probably come down to seeing his sweet face in person to make the final call.

the stats

week: 20, 139 days to go
weight gain- 13 lbs. all in the girls and my booty
cravings- slushies, otis spunkmeyer cookies, peanut butter with apples, and Kix
baby's heart rate- 142

facts- sciatic nerve going nuts and killing me. I about die when I stand up and walk around.I am going to the chiro 3 times a week.
sleeping like POO, I am so tired all the time but am wide awake when I hit the pillow.
baby is moving like crazy cakes. he hurts me sometimes
heart burn from drinking water. whats the wives tale about lots of hair? hoping thats true.
like I mentioned most weight is going to my butt, I am happy to say that I can actually fill out my pants.
I am to the point where I cant rock Ryan anymore, it makes both of us so sad but at least he still has daddy. I am scared for the day where I cant pick him up!
At the ultrasound today everything looked AMAZING. He is cute for a scrawny little thing. I did have to tinkle THREE times while we were there if that says anything about how I spend my days lately.

lately.

I feel like every few months I have a post with the same title. Lately. Its my way of saying oops sorry I havent blogged in a bit and thanks for hanging on while we took an accidental break. I never really plan it but I love the fact that I blog when I want to, I dont ever feel pressure to sit down and say to myself oh heck what am I going to write about tonight. I have had a busy busy few weeks but we are back! Mostly my computers are now functioning again and I can blog with pictures. Sometimes I feel like its pointless unless I have at least one.

First off I posted that we are having a BOY! Then I disappeared. I promise from the bottom of my heart it wasnt to go sulk in the corner because my dreams of pink are put off a little longer. Okay maybe I did that for about 10 minutes one day and then went back to being happy as can be. Remember when I said we all had our guesses and waiting to see if we were right. Yeah, we were wrong. But I am so excited to meet this little dude. Our bond is growing stronger and the fears I had in the first trimester are gone (for the most part) He is feisty for sure. When ever I get so busy I forget that I have a ever growing baby bump and squish him he not so kindly reminds me of his presence by kicking me in my right ribs. I have already bought a few things that will be just HIS. Okay maybe more than a few things, I went a little crazy at the Pumpkin Patch and already have his first outfit picked out. It may be a *tiny preemie size, as in smaller than regular preemie but my babies are small it should fit him for a day or two. It was too cute to resist.

I am getting into a good grove watching my friends 4 month old, here on out known as baby J. Ryan is in love with him and thinks this is the baby brother we have been talking about. We will have to explain that one to him later. But for now I will take it. He helps out SO much getting me whatever I need, helps give bottles, burps him, and my favorite- they love to lay on my bed together and watch tv. Ryan loves when he gets up tues-friday and his baby J is here.

I have been feeling pretty good, still some hard sicky pregger days but overall I am just tired which is okay cause I take a nap with the boys in the afternoon and try to go to bed early. I need to post a belly shot soon, I "popped" this week I think. Yay for 17, almost half way!

We were featured on Hi, Baby this week! Dear Melissa emailed me with some pretty funny questions to answer, go check it out if you wish.

I also am quite happy with a recent senior photography session I just did. It helped that Hayden was practically a model. If you're in the area and want to be photographed my contact information is here or on that site as well :)

Oh thats right I promised pictures in this post as well.

I hope his brother looks like just him.

results are in

After much deliberation and ultrasound examination by the nurse, hubs, and the OB, the results are in.

Jelly Bean is most defiantly a boy! We couldnt be happier :) 

15 weeks along

15 weeks already, and then again.. ONLY 15 weeks? It depends on the day. So far I-

• have nasty heart burn if I eat anything spicy or really flavorful which is no bueno because thats all I want
• cant get pre pregger pants past my thighs, my hips are spreading so much in prep for the D day
• in a new bra aka bigger
• restless legs have started along with weird aches in my calves I probably need more exercise
• I am starting to wonder if jelly bean is a boy because I am turning into a hairy gorilla. Glamorous huh.
• Baby is kicking a ton and I can feel it, hubs can sometimes too
• I am starting to feel pregnant and not just chunky around the mid section
• maternity clothes are starting to fit nicely which I will enjoy because come November I will be busting the seams
• I still have to take a Zofran every morning but that will do the trick the rest of the day, no more nausea and its amazing
• Nausea is replaced by a horrible constant headache and zero energy/dizziness. Like I said before my children love me from the beginning. 
• No longer having dreams so psycho I wake up feeling like I should call a shrink.
• Getting anxious to find out the gender next Monday!

All in all we are doing pretty good so far! 

lets talk about that first trimester

I will throw a party tomorrow, along with taking a 14 week belly shot but tonight there are a few things I want to reflect back upon. I wish I would have written down everything with my first pregnancy but I didnt blog much back then or have the outlook on it that I do now. There are so many things I remember but sadly there are so many things I have forgotten.

When I took a pregnancy test this time and it read pregnant, clear as day, I was in shock. We had been TTC off and on for almost a year and I had all but given up and changed my mind on adding to my family. I had a lot of processing to go through at the time and have spent the last 14 weeks getting used to the idea of being out numbered by my children.

I wanted this child there is no doubt about that. But once there was another little heart beat fluttering in my body and I spent my days either in bed or my head in the toilet I grew cold. I was expecting my heart to grow 4 sizes in an instant but this love is one that has grown slowly over time. This baby will change things for me, but most importantly- for my first baby, Ryan. He will no longer be my one and only. My focus and my time will have to be divided. I will have to share my arms and my heart with someone else. The baby wasnt even the size of a lemon and it was already driving a wedge. I didnt have the energy to sit on the floor and build a train set or to walk to the park. I didnt want to sit at the table and eat lunch with him because I was so sick. All of the things that made our days special couldnt happen. It broke his heart and mine. If it was happening already it was sure to get worse when the baby was actually here and I was back to nursing every few hours. I resented my body for taking me away from my first baby even though I knew that something miraculous was going on inside me.

I was scared and worried for myself. Ryan has given me a run for my money- he is no easy kid. Now I will have 2. I wont be able to nap every day. I wont be able to go on walks when I am feeling blue (December in the PNW!) I hope some serious natural abilities kick in because there are days where I dont think I am cut out for this mothering bit and now we are multiplying it by two. Since the first second I knew I was pregnant with Ryan I felt this undying, heavenly bond with him. I was overjoyed the entire 9 months. This time things are different and I dont know what to do with it. I am scared I wont do a good job and I am scared I dont have enough love and enough emotional energy to give them BOTH what they need. And this coming from the woman who wanted dozens of children? Yeah, I know.

I am grateful to the Lord and the body He's blessed me with. I can bear children when many women cannot. I am grateful that at 11 weeks I had an ultrasound and saw the little person, not sack or blob, that was taking me away. I am grateful that last week I felt the first little fluttery kick of our Jelly Bean. It has helped me embrace the change that our family is undergoing. Looking back its embarrassing to admit the hard time I have had this first trimester. All of the fears and doubts really took my by surprise for sure. Luckily I am not as sick and some of my energy is starting to come back. I am ready to spend the next few months with just my little man and watch my heart grow along with my belly.

So cheers to the second trimester, it is a very welcomed time. Good things are to come.

what color jelly bean

 So far the polls have been neck and neck on baby number 2 being a boy or a girl! I am excited to say we have an ultrasound appointment on July 11th to find out. I still have my guess but my doubts are getting the best of me. Will I be as spot on as I was with Ryan?

Whats it going to be? Blue or Pink?

We are celebrating week 12 this week. I wont do another belly shot for a while as nothing seems to be changing that much at the moment! One big accomplishment was I made dinner by my self for the first time since week 6. Sad, my poor poor family. Luckily we have been dining out or with family. Hubs is also a rockin good chef when he's home. I made comfort food- pasta with alfredo sauce and garlic bread. Then I started getting sick looking at it and to make matters worse I couldnt find my Zofran for the life of me. We will see if I can actually enjoy it later. Bummer yo. 

Ryan would like to tell you all he can now count to three. Great new for him, bad news for me. Instead of relying on the "just one more" comment he pushes it to 2 then 3 with everything. But I cant always deny him those little fingers are super cute.

jelly bean wish list

I made sure to plan for more babies when we had Monkey. I carefully folded all his little clothes and blankets and packed them away in color coded rubbermaid tubs. I saved the bottles, the pacies, the baby toys. We have everything that survived and is still in good shape! We are mostly prepared for this jelly bean, unless its a SHE. Then I will need pink clothes of course! Til I started actually thinking about it. Then it got worse when I started googling.

This baby is going to be born in December (hopefully not January..) I have no idea how to have a winter baby, Ryan was born the end of May in one of the hottest summers we've had. I never worried about RSV or other sicknesses. We went on walks every day to help him with his colick! I am really nervous about having a winter baby. I will most likely battle PPD again and not seeing the sun and being cooped up for months?! ahhh. Hopefully one of these car seat canopy's will help!

I waited and waited and FINALLY scored my dream carrier thanks to one of my dear friends Caige. I am in love with my Ergo. I have slings, front packs, the Moby... this takes the cake. I got mine when Ryan was about 15 months old so he just hung out piggy back style I will need the infant insert for Jelly Bean!!

Before my knowledge of baby products was as advanced as it was now I bought a jumperoo off craigslist (I am pretty sure thats where it came from) It was awful! I wont share which brand in case someone is in love with it but it didnt play music when the baby jumped. The only music came from the little keyboard and it was so hard to use he never figured it out. Therefore he hated it and I sold it.. I have jumperoo envy of this one.

 Um yes please I will take one of THESE. I spent SO much money on baby food as little man was ready for the stuff at 4.5 months. This baby food maker steams, puree's, and then defrosts when you are ready to eat (well the baby is ready)  A little spendy so I dont think I will get this exact one but something along these lines. I want to know everything that is in their food and make it with LOVE.

 I wish we would have sucked it up and bought one of these with Ryan. Oh my heck we all would have slept better if I could just SEE what he was up to in there, did he get his foot stuck in the rail or is he just mad to be in there alone. Does he ACTUALLY need a mama love or does he just need to cry it out? This time I will know for sure :)

I might add more to the list, we can do a wish list 2.0 if you have any suggestions. After looking at this list I realize I have become a baby snob! None of these are cheap.. We are taking donations! I plan to cruise craigslist too. 

Probably the biggest must have item is a double stroller! I already scored my bumbleride indie twin off craigslist. Its a little older and not in the best shape plus the changes over the years have made it much cooler and easier to use. I am still looking and if I find something better I will sell and upgrade!