on being a bad mom | the longest post ever.

I try my hardest to put my kids first. I dont always go out and do tons of activities, I dont can or make jam, I rarely sew, I dont craft much either. Not that those things are bad (heck I wish I could do them but I lack skills) but when I do them my kids suffer. They really like to have my attention 98% of the time, its fine by me too. I still have "lauren time" and hubs is SO great to know when I need a break and will send me to the mall for a 20 min chair massage or tell me to go get a pedi (yes, he even calls it that omg I'm lucky)

But for most of the time, its me and my kidlets. I love it, I truly do. They are only young for a short time and this time matters SO much, I will never get it back and they are growing so fast and changing daily. I would hate to be so busy I missed out. I love that I am breastfeeding Weston (thats a whole other post in its self) because it forces me to sit down and enjoy him. I cant pass him off for hours at a time to do other things. I have to focus on him. And since he is the second child thats vital to his development. Boys need their mama, and my boys in particular crave my undivided attention.

But you guys, its exhausting. I am so worn out its insane. This morning I stumbled down the hall into my bathroom- because somehow I ended up in Ryans bed and him in mine last night... and took a caffeine pill before I could even greet the day. I dont go to bed til midnight or 1 because after they go to bed its really the only time I have to myself and to get stuff done like the above mentioned things. Its when I clean too. Hubs is also in the middle of his MBA and doing homework til then every night and I have a hard time going to sleep without him. We have always gone to bed together every night since we got married. I can fall asleep but I always wake up when he comes in and I dont really like that. So anyway- I am tired. Ryan is so high energy he goes and goes all day. Weston is easy but he has so many needs right now and every one of them I have to be apart of. My brain says we should be done having kids but my heart says there is more to come and I am so nervous.

Honestly I dont really know where this post is going but its been so long since I sat down and just put the things in my heart to paper (keyboard) bear with me.

Today I am not the best mom, and it happens every now and then. I havent been sleeping well at night and they dont nap at the same time during the day- if Ryan even naps, we have been cutting them out slowly. As a matter of fact Weston woke up from an epic 3.5 hour nap right as I closed the door to Ryans room and said sweet dreams. Starting tomorrow Hubs is taking a vacation from work til next WEDNESDAY. To say I am a little anxious is an understatement. I keep staring at the clock on the wall waiting for 6:20 when he will come strolling in the door. I plan on being just as involved in the parenting over the break but I am eagerly looking forward to not doing it alone. Contrary to popular belief (or just hubs making jokes) I DO enjoy his company and DO want him around. In a perfect world we would both work from home and play every day together.

Anyway. Today I am having a hard time being a fun/silly mom. I dont want to take them swimming with the cousins, I dont want to jump on the bed while listening to the kids in motion CD, I dont want to share my food, I just want to sit and stare at the wall in quiet. I feel bad for it, but hey, its the truth. I know I am not the only one either. Being a SAHM or a WAHM is rough. We dont get lunch breaks or bathroom breaks, no one takes over when our shift is done. Sometimes I have to remind hubs that I dont get off work at 6 when he gets home, or even 8 when they go to bed. Its 24/7. I never thought it would be this hard but I am here to tell you IT IS.

Would I trade it for anything? Nope. So why do I do it day in and day out? Because hello, they are freaking amazing. They love me unconditionally, they love being around me, they want to play with me- even when I am not at my best like today. And when I fall short they forgive me with open arms. Because of them I live the way I do and love they way I do.My family is my world.

When I am having a bad day my mom gets a handful of calls from me- she always reminds me "you chose this" yes ma'am I did. So I am going to make the best of it for sure. I am going to try to give these kiddos what they need and what the deserve. As hard as it is and as lonely as it ca n sometimes be. Two kids is crazy hard and crazy good all at the same time. And in a few years I will let you know what 3 kids is like.

Since this is already ridiculously long I will just keep going...

I know we are supposed to home school. This is totally not for everyone but I just have the strongest spiritual/intuition/gut feeling its the path for this family. I am so scared. I cant imagine being this worn out and then not reaching the magical age of 5 when they go to kindergarten. I dont know how I will do it but its one of those things I am relying solely on faith. God will provide.

I dont want anyone to ever look at me through facebook/twitter/blog/business, or sunday afternoon at church and think I have it all together and wonder how I do it. Well I dont do it all! Like I said in the beginning there are tons of things I choose not to do at this phase in my life. You all just happen to see the things I do, do because they are internet related. I blog with at least one kid on my lap "helping" me type. I facebook update while I am brushing my teeth, I take pictures by bribing them with treats or games after, and luckily instagram doesnt take that much time but I will cruise through before I fall asleep or while I am in the bathroom (TMI sorry) I realize I am very active on social media and people comment on it all the time. I enjoy it so much. I have never had better friends in my life and its all because of social networking. I keep in touch with my longest best friend better and connected with my other bestest friend via facebook too. I like it because I do it for ME, it makes me happy. Its my way of escaping the daunting mom tasks like diapers and runny noses- and the plus is it doesnt take that much time. I can do 10 seconds here, 5 minuets there without it affecting my kids negatively. Yesterday put Weston in the ergo and took Ryan to my MIL's and picked 10 lbs of strawberries with the plans to make jam for the first time and it was a disaster. Its not something you can do a little and come back to (at least not for me) its a huge chunk of time that I cant give because after I hulled them, I turned around and Weston was trying to climb out of the bumbo and Ryan was naked and had pulled all the games out and dumped them on the floor. It also helps that I am a really fast writer- I have a blog idea and its up with pictures within 20 minutes usually. This post is the longest I have spent on something since the birth story.

While I am airing out my dirty laundry here- my house is always messy, unless I know someone is coming over. I clean/scrub every night when they go to bed and its trashed by 10 am the next day. So the cycle continues. I cant have it any other way though- we live here, it gets messy. I am super up tight and OCD about cleanliness so I cant let the day end without it sparkling again. That also very tiring. So no one better come over unannounced unless you love me unconditionally!

Okay I feel better. 4 hours til hubs home. ryan sleeping, weston playing with his tag on his blanket (seriously my kids and their flipping TAGS) I am sure once I hit publish I will think of more I wanted to get off my chest but for now we're good. If you made it through thank you. If you feel the same way or can relate pass this on to another mama.

xoxo