living with purpose

Wow, never in my blogging life have I had a lull like the last... oh, 5 months or so. I just kept saying that I had writers block or didn't know what to write about, or even just checking in saying "we are still alive, here is a picture." 

Hard truth is, there were things I couldn't really talk about, and I knew if I sat down at the keyboard that it would be a huge fight with myself to not just write my brains out. I wanted to scream from the roof tops what I was going through because somehow that helps. Maybe its that the weight of it isn't on my shoulders anymore and out there in the open, or its the validation I receive. No Lauren, you aren't crazy and yes your feelings matter... I don't know. So instead of writing about light hearted, happy things I just stopped all together. 

And because I know you are wondering... it's marriage and its impossibly difficult.

But I messed up. I shouldn't have stopped. I should have kept writing. I was missing moments in my kids lives, I wasn't capturing their growth and their deepening bond for one another. While I was sitting over here in my corner licking my proverbial wounds they were out there living life and blossoming. I know that sounds weird- that I was missing moments. But let me tell you something about myself. When I blog regularly and keep my camera close I am a better person. It makes me live intentionally. Moments aren't staged so I can photograph and write about them, everything happens naturally... but I am forced to notice them. To stop and take in the scene and appreciate the little moments and the beauty that is this life. 

"One of my favorite things about photography: that moment of "church" at my desk when I'm editing photos-- given the chance to stare at a moment for much longer than it actually lasted. Noticing things that might have been ignored. seeing the people and things I love with a different perspective. The art of picture-taking has truly made me a more observant, grateful, life-loving human. Amen."  

- Kelle Hampton

So I was just living hour by hour, waiting for the next nap or bed time. I wasn't taking it in, I wasn't letting my kids mold me and change me. I was just stuck, frozen in my frustration and pain. I couldn't see past it. Before you get worried, I still took care of them. They were fed, bathed, cuddled, driven to activities, and played with. But I was an empty shell. My body went through the motions, my face smiled and my eyes lit up for them all while I was crying inside. It was exhausting keeping up with both sides. The inside and the out.I guess I am sitting here and nothing has noticeably changed but in my heart I am striving too.

In February and March I took maybe 5 photos combined with my big camera. I did use IG a lot but its not the same. I don't get fired up by the weight in my hands and the rolling of the shutter speed. This last week I photographed our day and while I am pretty rusty at photographing my own kids at home it was a healing experience. Like Kelle said, I had my church moment editing those photos.

My kids area beautiful, smart, full of love and life. They are incredible. I can easily tell when I am photographing them because I am in the moment, with purpose. I plan have more of these unbridled moments with them so be prepared for the photo overload that is coming your way.

And now for the things I have missed. Weston will be 16 months old in April. He is running, climbing, starting to sign back to us, and is obsessed with his brother/best friend. While he is still mild mannered most times he is showing us what youngest siblings are all about. He wants to be heard and have his feelings validated and if you don't.. if he thinks he is being pushed aside for any reason, boy will let you know. I find his overly dramatic tantrums laying face down on the floor sweet and welcome the excuse to validate his feelings and have a quick cuddle on the couch.

Ryan is a welcomed breath of fresh air. He is thriving in so many ways. He is back in school, he is learning to read, he is finally getting the fun of  "imaginative play" and wants to be he-man/power ranger/spider man at all times. He has even changed his name to Antonio (the gold power ranger) He makes me laugh and is sensitive to my needs and suggests we cuddle and take a nap every now and then. He keeps me on my toes, reminding me that stupid and hate are not nice words and lets me know what I should use instead. He prays with intent. He realizes his role as a big brother- a teacher, a friend, an ally, a companion, and an example. He will soon be celebrating his fourth birthday and is requesting a night at the Olive Garden with his grandparents instead of a big party. We are fine by that.

They are best friends. I knew they would be. While they have stubborn spats they love each other deeply and flow together well. Their personalities balance wonderfully and they are better off together than apart. While Ryan looks forward to sleep overs at Grandma's house they are both very pleased when its over and they are together again. I can't imagine one with out the other. Even 2.5 years apart, they are a packaged pair.

playing catch up. what its really like.

Life is so crazy right now. Hubs working over full time, his school, my thriving business, other random ventures I have going, keeping my house clean so I dont lose my freaking mind, and oh yes... the children. 

I am barely treading water guys! My sister and I were talking last night about this blog and she goes "you know your life looks super fun and easy if all I see is the blog" 

Baaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Wow, so not true! I am not here to complain,  I signed up for all this when I got married and started popping out adorable babies. But I have been saying to my mom and the hubs lately that I had NO idea what I was getting myself into! This is freaking hard! 

I keep losing brain cells each time I get pregnant. I am scared eventually I wont be able to complete a proper sentence... wait that has already happened. Does anyone else just feel like a crazy person after having kids? Does that ever come back? I now understand the term- Mom Brain.

But these guys, they are awesome. We have had a great week playing at my parents house and soaking up some PNW sun. Ryan's hair is so light blonde and he is so tan, I am loving it. I am just sun burnt of course.

We had a fun 4th, we were in a parade with my old gymnastics gym and then we just ordered pizza as a small family and did our own fireworks in the driveway and it was early to bed for all of us and hubs left to make the 3 hour drive back home to be at work Thursday.

All of my business ventures are on the computer. My fingers feel like they are going to fall off if I type any more. Thats all for now folks.

I feel like I should add a "ttyl" in here.....

TTYL! LOL YOLO ILY hmmkaybye.

oh I need sleep.

on my mind.

yeah thats my anytime fitness lanyard on my camera. I am a professional, watch out. 

its 1am. so naturally I am up blogging. I have the worst sleeping habits since having kids, I cant sleep when I should and want to sleep when I have to be up. I cant win. 

This parenting toddler thing is rough guys. I am totally worn out. I love Ryan so much its crazy. We have tons of fun, we tell secret and play silly games. We even have a hand shake. But boy does that kid push my buttons! I try to just keep cool and use the high way patrolman voice.. all steady with no emotion-like but sometimes I yell and then I feel bad. Sometimes I wish he was just a little baby still where all he needed was a boob and a blanket to be happy. 

Ironic enough that at that stage all I wanted was for him to be grown up and more independent. So I guess that means I should just enjoy him in the stage he is in because because before I know it, he will be all big and grown and gone. 

Which brings me to my next random thought- do you guys have a favorite parenting age? Of course we all love our kids no matter how old they are- but is there a particular age you just LOVE? Mine is the infant stage. I am pretty low key, low energy. I love to just sit around and hold/nurse my baby. I dont care if I get up and and go do something fun because I am loving every minute just cuddling the hours away. 

Weston is going to be 6 months old in a few days and he is mobile and busy, he realized that there is this big cool world out there that must be explored and therefore just chilling on the couch with mama watching SYTYCD isnt all its cracked up to be. Hes got places to be people. Its hard on me. Not to mention he is LOVING hims some daddy right now. All he wants is daddy which is great when its his day off from work but sad when hes gone. Ryan went through a few daddy phases too. Its awesome because I know they have such a great relationship with the hubs but I want them to understand I am cool too and there is no need to just cry because he is gone! 

On another random tangent.. My 3 year old WILL NOT poop on the toilet. Its getting really annoying and the more I try the more he rebels. Any ideas? He will only poop while he is sleeping. However he is totally pee trained and just wears underwear during the day. I dont even have to ask him if he needs to go, he does it all on his own. Today we were playing at the park and he had to go, for some reason I cant recall at the time he had a pull up on so I told him to just go in the pull up because there were no bathrooms around- of course he wouldnt and we got to have our first manly experience of peeing on a tree. Poor tree.... he thought it was awesome and now I am sure we will have to argue about why you cant pee on the trees at home. 

Weston, oh my sweet Weston.. Did I ever mention that his birth certificate and social security card had the wrong spelling? westIn.. not a fan let me tell ya. Well now he is officially westOn and I couldnt be happier. Time to get passports!

He also still hates baby food, we are doing the baby led weaning program and its going well. Hes still too little to give him anything thats soft for him to actually swallow but we are getting close. He just thinks its cool to sit in his high chair and blow raspberries at me while I cook dinner. And who wouldnt want to look at that face while they are in the kitchen? A crazy person, thats right. 

Well I think thats all the rambling I have for tonight, this was the most pointless post ever.

placeholder, rambling, and the likes

I have so many drafts and lists of things I want to write about. I am just going to ramble for a while because I need a place to let it all go right now.

Its 2:00 am and I will be greeted by two very energetic and needy (of course cute too!) children bright and early in the morning. I wish I could sleep but I am just totally wired.

Car repairs. bahhhhhhhh. nuff said.

Really need to clean the house, like deep clean/white glove.

The biggest stress of all is Ryan's health. I have been thinking he was still struggling with reflux because he wakes up in the middle of the night and pounds 16 oz of water and always wants to eat. Reflux can make you feel hungry and thirsty so I took him in to his dr to get him on prilosec again. he She started asking about his other behavior/symptoms- throwing up a lot, peeing a lot, thirsty, emotional, not growing fast (that one I am not as worried about) and of course totally freaks out when he gets sugary foods. I have noticed he is more lazy than he used to be. Sure he still gets bouts of energy and loves to play but if he has his choice he would stay in his pj's and just lay on the couch (or in my bed) with me ALL day. He doesnt want to go anywhere or have people over (he is fine once we get there though) He just wants to cuddle on me.

So back at the dr's office- she had him pee in a cup. He thought it was the coolest thing ever of course! He had ketones in his urine. Which means his body is burning fat instead of glucose for energy. not good. She gave him another cup for him to use first thing in the morning and then also wanted him to come in for a fasting blood draw. If you google all of those symptoms it points right at type 1 diabetes. SCARY HUH.

We did the tests this morning and waited around all day for the results. I didnt take a shower and never left my phone because I didnt want to miss the call from the dr- we still havent heard anything.

My mommy brain is freaking out. I am a professional worrier. Things will be fine. We will be okay. I just want to know now what the road ahead will look like.

Please keep my sweet baby boy in your prayers, we could use it.

okay that was whinny enough. sorry about that. just frustrated, worn out, sad, and tired now..

I just LOVE him so much I dont want him to EVER be held back by anything.

raising my sons

I hope that I am the one to raise my sons all the days of their lives. I am their mama, I know every inch of them, I know what they need without them even asking. I know their laughs, their cries, their looks. 

But sometimes hard things happen. Sometimes mama's dont get to be there for their children's lives, sometimes they are needed more in heaven than here on earth. If that were ever the case I know that my sons will be loved and looked after so well. They have so many amazing people in their lives- they are so incredibly lucky.

There are some things I want them to know, and do. There are things that I try to do every day that I hope would continue on-

Tell them you love them at least 10 times a day. Tell them they are special, Jesus loves them, they are born to do great things. Tell them they are brave and strong. Make sure they say their prayers every night, have family home evening once a week I dont even care if its on Monday's.

Give them lots of TLC. Hug them constantly, carry them around even if they are old enough to walk. Hold their hands, tickle their backs (or their faces they LOVE that) Cuddle on the couch. Rub your hands through their hair. Dont let them cry or be scared. Kiss their boo boo's

Lay in bed with them before they fall asleep. Read lots of books, sing songs about Jesus, sunshine, and even hot dogs. Talk about everything, share secrets, tell stories, recap your day. Ask them questions to get them talking.

Let them get balloons from Nordstrom, eat m&m cookies at Panera, stop by the park and let them run around in the sun or rain. Take lots of walks. Write them notes and mail them back to the house. Color pictures and put them on the fridge. Have movie nights at home with pop corn and the lights out. Enjoy tickle fights and building forts.

Give them bubble baths and let them play til the water is cold and they are wrinkly raisins. Give them Eskimo kisses and do our secret handshake. Build towers with blocks and knock them over- repeat over and over again. Rock them to sleep sometimes, even when they are big. Let them sleep in bed with you and be the little spoon.

Reward and praise good behavior and try to forget the bad. Give them treats. Remind them that Heaven is wonderful, that we all get to live there together again someday. That Jesus is there too and he loves us.

Tell them mommy loves them to the moon and back.

its wednesday

What an intriguing title huh. Not much of importance but just in the mood to blog about everything, including things that really dont matter at all!

Got the hair done today. Its pretty much strawberry blonde so I guess thats what happens when you mix Kirsten and Emma and your hair dresser is irritated you decided to change your hair color without forewarning her (like its my job to do so?) I was hoping for something a little different but I actually really like it the more I look at it. 

Trying to figure out what to wear to a wedding this weekend is hard stuff. Weddings mean pretty dresses and seeing as I need instant boob access for the littlest dude its a skirt for me. Add on nothing FITS me right now (thank you chocolate macadamia clusters from costco)

Why is it I get the barfy kids?! Ryan has now thrown up in my car TWICE. Today it was a combination of an oatmeal cookie, traffic, and windy back roads in the rain. I pulled over to make sure he was okay but really didnt have any clean up options as it was pouring rain so he had to wait til he got home. SO GROSS it was everywhere. Shoot me in the foot please. 

Weston is probably getting teeth- yes already. My babies are crazy early teething monsters (cute ones okay!) Ryan was 3 months when the bottom 2 poked through. Now West is drooling, spitting up a ton, dry rashy cheeks, and CONSTANTLY sucking/chewing on his hands. I think infants look weird with teeth! Sorry but its true. 

the great hair debate.

okay hair appt at 9 am tomorrow.. whats it going to be ladies? 

Emma?

Kristen? 

Olivia?

this is so stressful 

life lately

come on in, sit down, and lets just hang out. lets talk about all the things going on lately.

I would tell you all about the great trip to Utah and Idaho I just had. I saw my baby sister graduate from high school, visited with old friends, saw my grandparents, and had a lot of really amazing quality time with my mama. I would tell you that I miss her so much even though we talk every day. I wish we lived closer, she really has become my rock these past few years, she is so inspiring and wonderful.

I would talk about my fear of Alzheimers. My grandmother has it very bad, she needs to be in a nursing home as it is becoming really hard for my grandfather to care for her. Her mother had it, my mother will have it, and if they dont find a cure I will most likely get it too. I'm scared.

I would tell you how my baby is growing up over night it seems. I moved him into his own room today and he has recently found his voice, he loves to talk. He is also turning into a thumb sucker. I thought I would have the power to stop that one but he is very determined and even wants to suck his thumb while I breastfeed him.

Speaking of breastfeeding, I have mastitis. I could barely sleep last night I was so nauseous from the pain and fever, today i ache so bad I can barely move my arms and take a breath. I would cry to you because I was supposed to be a gymnastics camp today and couldnt go. I know I let my friends down, they needed me there.

We would laugh about how I clean up my house every night before bed but by 10 am its littered with toys, blankets, sippy cups, and whatnot- but it means we have fun, my children are happy and able to play. We would watch Weston in awe because at 2.5 months old he is trying to sit up on his own and does a pretty good job at it. I would roll my eyes because Ryan is still up stairs singing to his baby doll and driving trucks  on  his bed instead of taking a nap.

I'd ask you what to do about my camera, I dropped it in Utah and its toast. Do I buy the same model again or do I upgrade like I was planning on... just in a few months and not really ready now. I hate not having my camera I feel like I am missing so much already.

I'd ask you how you are doing, if there is anything you want to vent about because I am all ears. I would tell you I really appreciate you coming over because sometimes I am lonely. I'd say thank you for being such a good friend.

post inspired by Casey