part 1. the dream.

I have had a few posts about being overwhelmed, tired, and drowning lately. I try to be honest and upfront with myself. Sometimes I like to hide the pain or brush my struggles under the rug for every one else's sake but tonight I am diving in. Ripping off that band-aid. 1, 2, 3, GO.

These feelings have been buried so deep the last 3 years that its going to take some coaxing on my part to let them surface. I am sitting here with my fingers hovering ever so gently over my key board. Type a little, back space a lot. Type some more, the cycle keeps going. One of the topics in the 30 days challenge was "a hero that has let you down" I thought about that one for so long and it kept coming back to me, it wasn't a person at all like so many others listed. It was an idea, or more the dream of  my future.

White picket fence, shiny new SUV in the driveway, sexy husband with a bouquet of yellow roses in hand, beautiful/talented/amazing children all perfectly spaced in age, and a bank account with a lot of zeros.

This is what I have imagined and planned for in my head since I was a little girl dressing my Barbies in coordinating outfits. That's the life that would make everything better for me. If I could just be 18 and run away, find a man and make it all happen I would be happy. I didnt care about education, career, or work experience. I just wanted the white dress and some sparkle on my finger. And I wasnt going to stop until I got there.

Fast forward to a promise ring, an engagement ring, and then a wedding ring. All of those from different guys. I kept thinking he's the one, this time- this is it! Promise ring shipped out to Iraq and turned into someone I didnt even recognize. Engagement ring was a long drug out relationship where I did all the convincing that I was what he wanted, after breaking up and moving states he panicked and threw the ring at me just to save face. I broke it off 5 weeks later. Then there was wedding ring, you all know him.

Hubs and I got married in a whirl wind. With a 5 week engagement, a last minute dress I wasnt in love with, and little family by our side we took the plunge. 3 years, 1 child, 6 moves, 15 months living with my inlaws, welfare, unemployment, health scares, and countless car repairs later- here we are. Barbie would be running the other way in her 6 inch heals and mini skirt if she knew what the future held. We have laughed, cried, begged, yelled, held grudges, and forgave but we have so far to go.

I have been woken up by a slap in the face, or probably just the babe crying down the hall. What happened to my yellow roses and my freshly cut lawn? Wheres that damn SUV? (though I admit its a minivan now) I had this perfect image concocted in my head and its so hard, almost painful to let go of it and accept this is whats real. Its real that we fight, its real that Ryan cries all the time, its real that I am a better person on anti depressants, and that sometimes I wait til there are no more dishes and no more clean socks before I clean up the house. And even sometimes, we lie and break each others hearts.

Its also real that we covenanted with God, we married for eternity.

I am at a breaking point. We are both are. We have to dig deep, let go of the past 3 years and build a new foundation- brick by brick. We are learning to have realistic expectations and obtainable dreams, we are trying to find joy in our little apartment and our small savings account because its ours. We are realizing that the perfect people we portrayed while dating is far from the truth and now striving to know the soul and the heart of the person we share a bed with. Talents and shortcomings included. We are learning to be friends.

To be continued...

more 30 days

I feel like I should be much further along on this! Day 8 is someone who has made your life horrible. I really dont have anyone that I want to talk about for this. I have had some pretty nasty friends and like I have mentioned before- dated some pretty lame dudes but I just dont want to pull up the past on this one. Sorry!

I feel the same way til about day 11! I know I promised to be bold and honest but whatever yo.

Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I have no clue! Maybe my figure? I have been blessed with a smokin bod if you ask the hubs. I like it, its nice. We have a love relationship not a hate one.

Day 12 Something you dont get compliments on.

Probably my hair. I really like my hair! Sadly, with my job coaching gymnastics and mommy to a monkey man its not down that much anymore but its so purrrdy let me tell you. I can thank my Daddy for that one. Its been all sorts of colors and all sorts of styles. I love it best right now, its down to the middle of my back but has layers as short as my chin. Its a golden brown that photographs red. It takes A LOT OF WORK. I should post a before and after picture. It takes a lot of product, a good blow dry, and some sort of styling tool. I have it down pretty quick though. The messy bun is my best friend too and have been rocking that since jr high. Hubs loves it.

day 6

Something you hope you never have to do.

Somewhere there is a part of us that hopes every day that, no matter what, our kids will outlive us. It's a parent's greatest unwritten plea.

kelle hampton

I hope I never have to bury a child. I hope to watch my children grow to be old. I hope that I get to see them graduate high school, serve church missions, get married, have babies, and their babies have babies. I want to rock my great grandchildren and sing "you are my sunshine." And then when I am grey and wrinkled, when I have lived all the life I have to live here on this earth I hope that they will be there to hold my hand as I pass.

My heart breaks for those who have lost children. The Sullenger family comes to mind first. And through their loss they have come closer to God and really found out who they were. They were able to see all the good in the world. Their strength amazes me and many others. 

day 5

Something you hope to DO in your life

I hope to do so many things the list is endless. There is a list of 100 things though right here

But one thing I really hope to do is home school my children. My mom home schooled us for a few years when I was in high school and I can totally see the benefits. The first reaction I get to this is

 "WHAT are you crazy?"
my answer: No I am not crazy, I am very sane thank you. I dont think wanting to spend time with your kids and teach them about life is a crazy thing at all.

"You know they will be weird and have no friends"
me: Honestly, bring on the weirdness! If it means that they wont be exposed to drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, foul language, bullying, and other possible harm I dont care how weird they are. I will love them anyway. I want to know the people they spend time with and know the parents of the people they spend time with. I'd rather them not be friends with the mean, bullying kids that arent raised with the same values and then have to struggle with whats right and wrong. We all have to deal with that enough as adults.
AND they will have tons and tons of friends, which brings me to my next statement.

"So what you just sit at home all day and never get out into the real world"
me: No way Jose! we will go to the zoo, museums, science center, cultural centers and so on. We will belong to a co-op. They will be in piano lessons, band, choir, soccer, gymnastics, wrestling, and every other extra curricular activity their little hearts desire. They will be able to do all those things because they wont be in school for 8 hours then have another 8 hours of homework every night like I see happen far too often now.

I look forward to teaching my kids in a way that works for them, not a 30 to 1 ratio where if you're slow you get left behind. I dont want to worry if this is the day that a 10 yr old brings a gun to school and shoots my son. I dont want to worry if the only kids at school who befriend them are the kids that I dont want them anywhere near. I want to make sure they are getting everything out of their education that they can. I want to watch them thrive and seize the world for all the good that is out there.
It will be a huge undertaking and it makes me nervous but I have some incredible women to look up to and hopefully the support and understanding of my friends.
If I raised my children 10 years ago I probably wouldnt be choosing this route but times have changed and I am not a big fan of the way things are going.

day 4. a piece of my soul

 Something you have to forgive someone for.

Today I will be forgiving a group of people.. well a group of girls. We all know them, there are movies and songs about them. We all cringe when we hear the names of them. Thats right ladies..

Mean girls.

*shiver* I have encountered far too many mean girls in my day. I dont know how that happened but it did. From 1st grade to college there they were. I am too busy to keep up with them anymore so I just ignore it but there they are always lurking, waiting for you to leave the house in your sweats or go to lunch with no makeup on.

So I am now going to work on forgiving and forgetting, forgetting being the hard part. I have poor self esteem and am very self conscious because of the mean things I have heard. In elementary school it was because I was abnormally tiny! I was made fun of my weight, my chicken legs, and my pointy ears (thank goodness I have grown into those) I remember being told that “my mom says you are going to die because you are too skinny” I was in 4^th grade and freaked out, I thought it was true. But it'\s not my fault I was a 6 week preemie weighing in at 4lbs when I was born.

In jr high it was because I wasn’t allowed to be a mall rat and go to parties with my “friends” I was called a *itch and other things. I got pushed around, teased, and mocked. I was never “cool” enough to hang with the popular kids and my mom would have died if she knew the kids at school who kind of accepted me. The skater/Goths. Which was weird because here I was “molly mormon” and none of those things!

When we moved to Rexburg during high school, I was the awkward one out because no one moved in, no one left. No one knew what to do with me. So I ate lunch alone as the pretty girls sat and gawked at my flat hair and fleece jacket for the first 3 months. And as a coincidence my best friend in town ended up being a girl who also moved in, a week before I did! I think we may have both struggled with the same thing but dont quote me on that. I know I struggled to find my place. And the place I eventually settled was not a place that would make my momma proud. I feel like I wasn’t even given the chance, my life from then on would have been so different if people would have given me the chance, a REAL chance not the “oh Hi my name is so and so but I will never talk to you again kind of chance.”

Luckily now I have found my place and THRIVE in it. Sometimes I still wonder if my legs are too chicken-y or if someone thinks I am cool. But my husband loves me and tells me I am smoking (thanks so much babe you have no clue how awesome you are for that) I have great friends, real friends. Friends who love me when I have a hard time loving myself.

So there ya go, from now on, I will leave the mean girls in the past. I will take each day and find the good, the beautiful, and the great. I hope that I can raise great daughters who love themselves and feel beautiful. I hope that they are the nice girls who befriend the new kid and sit next to someone in the lunch room who isn’t “cool” I saw this video a while back and it inspired this post. Take a looksie.

 

Woah I didn’t realize that this was all pent up inside me…


to see the rest of my 30 days or to start your own, go here

day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I can think of so many things. I am trying to balance between something light and something that is just too much for 1 little blog to handle. 

I need to forgive myself for not being a better sibling. I let my brother and sisters down big time I feel. They have all struggled with life in their teen years and I feel like a lot of that is my fault. I wasnt always kind, and I wasnt always a good example. I didnt work to form a united bond with the 4 of us.. the kind of bond that can carry you through the hard years and help build lasting relationships with the little cousins that will come down the road. There will be no family reunions, or big family vacations. I sometimes morn the loss of my family. They are all still there but it will be months in between talking or seeing each other. I wish I would have cherished the years I spent sharing a bedroom with middle sister, and watching movies with my brother. I wish I would have paid more attention to baby sister and realized that a strong example and a friend was what she needed most out of me. 

I forgive myself. 

Day 2

Something you LOVE about yourself.

I love that I am an incredibly amazing mom. This sounds super stuck up but I am really, really good at it! I have been practicing since I was 3 and when everyone else was dreaming about big careers and graduate school I was dreaming of poopy diapers and teething biscuits. This is what I was made to do. I am extremely educated about everything mommyhood and baby rearing, I am resourceful, I am creative, and I grow really cute kids. Plus I am very cute pregnant. Those last 2 are not opinions- those are facts ;)

I love that I am good at a lot of things- cooking, house keeping, scrapbooking, decorating, picture taking (I wont call it photography yet), gymnastics, computers/techy stuff (twitter being the exception) and fashion. I can say all these things without feeling bad because none of them came easy. I have had to work blood sweat and tears for everything- unlike my sister who was born with grace and talent. I have earned these :)

I love my good genes. I havent had to battle with a lot when it comes to the way I look. Sure I have really ugly monkey feet (and currently sad boobs) but other than that I dont have a lot to complain about. Granted I also take great care of my body with healthy eating, exercise, and staying out of the sun so I deserve this. I am the rare woman that loves the way I look. I would like to take a min to thank my dad for blessing my with a great head of hair and my mom for the talent of styling it. I have to use product and blow dry like the rest of you but when it comes down to it I have a good head of hair.

This was the most stuck up I have ever been in my life, I am never this bold about my "loves" but thats what this is all about and after yesterday I needed this day. When I clicked publish last night I keep thinking of all the other and far worse things I could/should have put.. but moving on right.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself. 
Day 2: Something you love about yourself. 
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for. 
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for. 
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life. 
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do. 
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for. 
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. 
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. 
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on. 
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on. 
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.) 
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter) 
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. 
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without. 
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. 
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage. 
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? 
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol. 
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? 
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. 
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life. 
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) 
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today. 
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? 
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now? 
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? 
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. 
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30 days of truth day 1

I have been needing to break through of all the pain and stress of these last 2 months. I am having a hard time seeing the good, or finding joy.. in anything. 
I should break out the camera as that always seems to lighten my mood but its been off with its real owner traveling around the Caribbean islands. I had the hubs go steal it back from his parents this afternoon :) I really need to get my own.
I have a few friends participating in Courtney Kirkland's 30 days of truth. For example here, here, and here. When I first saw this I thought no freaking way.. Then I had an awful flash of my post, begging for us to get real. So here goes nothing- I am starting to feel good about this already.


DAY 1 {something you hate about yourself}


Oh really, lets start off here. There are so many ways this could go how about I just make a list. 

• I hate my boobs, they are sunken in and saggy. I used to love them, they were a nice B cup- and perky. Hubs liked them too, ok he says he still does but I swear hes just being nice. I am only 23 yet I feel the strong desire to go under the knife and get them fixed. I WILL after I am done nursing all our babes. 
• I hate that my skin still breaks out. I currently have nasty acne covering my entire back. Its such a weird place to break out and I dont even want to look in the mirror naked. Thank goodness its not summer and I have to deal with putting on a bathing suit
• I hate that I am naggy, I have an incredible husband and yet he drives me insane. This morning I yelled at him for not cleaning the house the right way.... He was cleaning the house, with Ryan, on his day off. I should have kept my mouth shut.
• I hate that I am forgetful and spacey. Its super embarrassing when I mess up other peoples day because I forgot something.
• I hate that sometimes I want to put Ryan in his crib and let him scream- to teach him a lesson. All he wants is for me to hold him, why is that such a bad thing. And why does it bug me at times. 
• I hate that I have so many regrets. Not living the way I was raised for so long, For not listening to my parents, for dating lame dudes, for ignoring my own intuition/revelations.
• I hate that I could go on for another hour. I am ready for tomorrows post!

If you are in a slump like I am, do this! If you arent in the mood to air it out online put it in your private journal, it feels good.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself. 
Day 2: Something you love about yourself. 
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for. 
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for. 
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life. 
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do. 
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for. 
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. 
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. 
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on. 
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on. 
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.) 
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter) 
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. 
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without. 
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. 
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage. 
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? 
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol. 
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? 
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. 
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life. 
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) 
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today. 
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? 
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now? 
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? 
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. 
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.