meet my friend, perspective

I am the oldest of 4 children. I grew up in a happy home with parents who are still married today. We went to church every Sunday and I spent my time playing house with my sisters and doing gymnastics. I always thought we would grow up to be sort of the same- same lifestyle, same view, same morals and beliefs. That we would all get married and have babies and be best friends. However we didn't- we are all very different and though I love them all I struggle with the whole family unity aspect. For example, my baby sister is a drug addict. She struggles daily and isn't in a place where she can accept the help we are so desperately trying to give her. The things she has and is going through are unimaginable and it kills me to see the path she is on.

Where am I going with this? It is all about perspective. I call my mom almost daily and half of the time in tears because I am so overwhelmed with my life. My house isnt clean enough, I ruined dinner last night, I cant fit into my clothes, my toddler is trashing my house and my emotional health, and I don't feel like my baby gets enough attention because he just gets the leftovers- a tired, cranky, worn out mom who's not fun to be around and is too frazzled to let the mama milk flow.

Then my mom ever so gently reminds me that I know where they sleep at night and how they spend their days. It hits me like a ton of bricks every single time. I can hug my babies, I can kiss their foreheads and smell their fresh-from-the-bath skin. I can play with them in the messy house I complain about and I can feed them ppb&j when I over salt the mac and cheese. They are here and they are safe.

I have friends and family who have angel babies in heaven, who have watched loved ones pass away, who have dealt with disease and sickness, who have struggled with things I can't even imagine. When I look around at the struggles other face I realize that I should gladly except my own. And when I think I can't possibly handle another minute I need to remember that I was given what I could handle and this life is for teaching and growing.

I shouldn't get so obsessed with perfection- in my house, with my kids, in my marriage, with myself. I should just love what I have and try my best to be better with the help of the Lord. I should be grateful for the little things. Sure Ryan accidentally punched me in the face (he was dancing?!) but when I was crying on the couch he came over and hugged my arm and asked to kiss it better. In a moment when I was filled with rage and pain I had to focus on the sweetness of my boy.

But friends, it is really freaking hard. When quiet time has turned into an hour of non stop screaming at the top of ones lungs in his room while I try to keep the baby focused on the boob, and then scramble to clean up  50 messes so I can make a new one when I cook dinner, all perspective goes right out the window. In that moment, NOTHING can be more unbearable.

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Then I take it one step further. In the long run, the fact that Ryan stopped napping regularly (I get on average one a week now) in may wont matter. Or that he refuses to eat any meal I prepare and lives on mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. I should just let it go. But then I have this irrational fear that if I do let it go, my children will grow up to be menaces of society because I let them get away with stuff as young children. I am a pretty strict parent but I break after hours and hours of fighting with him and then my mom pulls the perspective card again. Go get him from his room and just hold him. I know he is making you livid but he will only be three for a very, very short time. This phase will pass more quickly than you can ever imagine. Enjoy it while it is here.

I need to live in the moment more and enjoy the phase we are IN. I need to stop dreaming of the someday because when I am in my "someday" I will wish for another. I need to find the balance between having rules and raising respectful, responsible children, and then realizing that sometimes you just have to let go and live- take advantage of every passing minute and not waste my days in timeouts and stubborn stand offs.

It has already been 4 years since I got pregnant with Ryan. It still feels like yesterday when I saw a positive pregnancy test on the edge of the bathtub. These moments are going faster than I realize in the heat of it. This rant has been a lot of "I should" and "I need" I am going to make it "I am"

weston go.

Everyone warned me it would happen. The cool factor of the new baby would wear off and Ryan would be over him. Start acting out, being more difficult, throwing fits..

WELL I am happy to say that none of that has happened yet but after a long day yesterday with 2 cranky kiddos and Weston getting more physical attention- Ry climbed up on my lap and told me "Weston go"

What buddy? Weston go where?

"Weston go back in mommy's tummy, I'm done"

It broke my heart because I know his love tank has not been filled lately. We havent been cuddling enough, I havent carried him around enough. We havent snuggled in bed long enough at night.

I am making a goal this weekend to spend some more quality TLC time with my eldest. I am not too worried about the long term effects however because right after he said he was done with his brother he climbed on top of him and proceeded to cover him in slobbery kisses and use his high pitched "Im talking to a baby" voice to say I love your guts... over and over.

They are going to be just fine :)

on babies, pandora, and heaven

More often than not my days are crazy, loud, and chaotic. The house gets trashed, my patience is worn thin, multiple tantrums are had- this is one of the many reasons I love bed time. I love it not for the first guess of I am finally rid of the kids for a while but because of moments like this and this. Its a time where we can come together as a family and unwind from the waves of the day.

Tonight I pulled on my bathing suit and hopped in the tub with both boys for a while, then we got all lotion-ed up and in pj's. We read the scriptures, had family prayer, and then we split up. Daddy with Ryan and me with Weston.

If you ever want to know what heaven is like I have a feeling this is as close as it gets...

Its turning on the Priscilla Ahn playlist on pandora that you have carefully crafted to perfection over the last 2 years or so. It's leaving the shades open so the glow of the moon lightly rests on your baby's sweet smelling skin. Its gently curling up in the well worn rocking chair with the babe while the slight creak in the chair and the melodies flowing from your phone lulls you both to sleep. Its your baby's hand laying on your breast and how you can tell how asleep he actually is by how tight or loose his grip is.

Moments like these remind me why I love being a mother more than anything else in the world. It is my calling for sure. I love the newborn stage where times like these are plenty and I also cherish the toddler stage where he can call me by name over to his bed and ask for a "little bit cuddle mom."

If there is anyone out there who questions whether the trials of parenting are worth it I have one word for you-

Absolutely.

its wednesday

What an intriguing title huh. Not much of importance but just in the mood to blog about everything, including things that really dont matter at all!

Got the hair done today. Its pretty much strawberry blonde so I guess thats what happens when you mix Kirsten and Emma and your hair dresser is irritated you decided to change your hair color without forewarning her (like its my job to do so?) I was hoping for something a little different but I actually really like it the more I look at it. 

Trying to figure out what to wear to a wedding this weekend is hard stuff. Weddings mean pretty dresses and seeing as I need instant boob access for the littlest dude its a skirt for me. Add on nothing FITS me right now (thank you chocolate macadamia clusters from costco)

Why is it I get the barfy kids?! Ryan has now thrown up in my car TWICE. Today it was a combination of an oatmeal cookie, traffic, and windy back roads in the rain. I pulled over to make sure he was okay but really didnt have any clean up options as it was pouring rain so he had to wait til he got home. SO GROSS it was everywhere. Shoot me in the foot please. 

Weston is probably getting teeth- yes already. My babies are crazy early teething monsters (cute ones okay!) Ryan was 3 months when the bottom 2 poked through. Now West is drooling, spitting up a ton, dry rashy cheeks, and CONSTANTLY sucking/chewing on his hands. I think infants look weird with teeth! Sorry but its true. 

my boys

my assignment this week is to get more pictures of them TOGETHER.