meet my friend, perspective

I am the oldest of 4 children. I grew up in a happy home with parents who are still married today. We went to church every Sunday and I spent my time playing house with my sisters and doing gymnastics. I always thought we would grow up to be sort of the same- same lifestyle, same view, same morals and beliefs. That we would all get married and have babies and be best friends. However we didn't- we are all very different and though I love them all I struggle with the whole family unity aspect. For example, my baby sister is a drug addict. She struggles daily and isn't in a place where she can accept the help we are so desperately trying to give her. The things she has and is going through are unimaginable and it kills me to see the path she is on.

Where am I going with this? It is all about perspective. I call my mom almost daily and half of the time in tears because I am so overwhelmed with my life. My house isnt clean enough, I ruined dinner last night, I cant fit into my clothes, my toddler is trashing my house and my emotional health, and I don't feel like my baby gets enough attention because he just gets the leftovers- a tired, cranky, worn out mom who's not fun to be around and is too frazzled to let the mama milk flow.

Then my mom ever so gently reminds me that I know where they sleep at night and how they spend their days. It hits me like a ton of bricks every single time. I can hug my babies, I can kiss their foreheads and smell their fresh-from-the-bath skin. I can play with them in the messy house I complain about and I can feed them ppb&j when I over salt the mac and cheese. They are here and they are safe.

I have friends and family who have angel babies in heaven, who have watched loved ones pass away, who have dealt with disease and sickness, who have struggled with things I can't even imagine. When I look around at the struggles other face I realize that I should gladly except my own. And when I think I can't possibly handle another minute I need to remember that I was given what I could handle and this life is for teaching and growing.

I shouldn't get so obsessed with perfection- in my house, with my kids, in my marriage, with myself. I should just love what I have and try my best to be better with the help of the Lord. I should be grateful for the little things. Sure Ryan accidentally punched me in the face (he was dancing?!) but when I was crying on the couch he came over and hugged my arm and asked to kiss it better. In a moment when I was filled with rage and pain I had to focus on the sweetness of my boy.

But friends, it is really freaking hard. When quiet time has turned into an hour of non stop screaming at the top of ones lungs in his room while I try to keep the baby focused on the boob, and then scramble to clean up  50 messes so I can make a new one when I cook dinner, all perspective goes right out the window. In that moment, NOTHING can be more unbearable.

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Then I take it one step further. In the long run, the fact that Ryan stopped napping regularly (I get on average one a week now) in may wont matter. Or that he refuses to eat any meal I prepare and lives on mac and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. I should just let it go. But then I have this irrational fear that if I do let it go, my children will grow up to be menaces of society because I let them get away with stuff as young children. I am a pretty strict parent but I break after hours and hours of fighting with him and then my mom pulls the perspective card again. Go get him from his room and just hold him. I know he is making you livid but he will only be three for a very, very short time. This phase will pass more quickly than you can ever imagine. Enjoy it while it is here.

I need to live in the moment more and enjoy the phase we are IN. I need to stop dreaming of the someday because when I am in my "someday" I will wish for another. I need to find the balance between having rules and raising respectful, responsible children, and then realizing that sometimes you just have to let go and live- take advantage of every passing minute and not waste my days in timeouts and stubborn stand offs.

It has already been 4 years since I got pregnant with Ryan. It still feels like yesterday when I saw a positive pregnancy test on the edge of the bathtub. These moments are going faster than I realize in the heat of it. This rant has been a lot of "I should" and "I need" I am going to make it "I am"