Like I said before we always knew we wanted to have a big family. I also knew that it was a lucky shot we got pregnant with Ryan so quickly and it might take longer next time- especially since I breastfed him for about 17 months. So when Ryan was a year old I stopped taking the mini birth control pill (the one you take while BF) and we didnt use any method's to prevent pregnancy. It was May 2010.
By September I had only had one short period since getting pregnant with Ryan 2 years before. I woke up one night cramping horribly bad. I am the girl that gets menstrual cramps so bad I throw up, black out, spike a fever. It almost kills me every time. I am used to pain. This was different. It was deep in my back, they ran down my legs. I felt them all over my body. I started bleeding the next day and it was scary. My body was doing things I had never experienced before so I started reading around online and asked a few close friends.
Miscarriage. One of the worst things for a woman to hear. I shared with hubs what I was going through and he told me that he had a strong impression a week before that I was pregnant and had been waiting for me to say something. We never had a positive pregnancy test, I never heard a heart beat. I was losing a baby I never knew I had and it yet it hurt my heart and my body so bad.
From that point on I was wanting another baby so bad. It wasnt so much "it happens when it happens" and now a quest. Life was moving on though and changing fast. The trials of unemployment, health scares, an extremely difficult year of baby raising, living with my inlaws for over a year, and the day to day grind were really taking a toll on our marriage. I had let life run me ragged for sure. I wasn't sure that we were going to make it through. The unrealistic part of me thought that another baby would fix it all. Of course I knew that babies are always a blessing but they complicate more than they fix and I would never want to put that much pressure on someone who is so little and innocent.
In December it came crashing down and hubs and I needed a break from it all- especially trying for another baby. We decided it was best to take some time apart and work on ourselves before we were ready to work on our marriage. It was 2 weeks before Christmas and I was not sure how the holidays would play out. On Christmas Eve we were celebrating as a family and my sister in law announced that they were pregnant with their first baby and they were so happy. They loved each other, they owned a home, both had great jobs, and now a baby on the way. I smiled when we were there but the second I walked out the front door I lost it. I ugly cried the whole way home and had never been more bitter in my life. I was angry at myself, I was angry at the Lord. This was not fair.
disclaimer: I LOVE my brother and sister in law. I LOVE my niece, and I am so so very happy for them.
After a while, hubs and I decided work on our relationship while under the same roof and it was rough so we decided to take another break. It was April 2011. The next month I was laying in bed, alone. It was 11:30pm and out of the blue came a still small voice- "you are pregnant" I brushed it off because I am one to create a whole fake pregnancy in my mind if I feel a wee bit sick. It was all in my head... right? It came again. You are pregnant. And right there I knew it was true. I called hubs to bring a pregnancy test when he came over in the morning. The next day he came walking in with a tub of mayo (I was out, thanks babe!) and the test. I locked myself in the bathroom and followed the directions carefully. Before I could recap the test and place it on the edge of the tub it showed up positive. Well it was the word "pregnant" specifically. I dont even know how I felt because it was 10 million things at once. I was so excited, I was surprised- yet I already knew, I was scared. I ran out to tell hubs who was excited/nervous/surprised/scared too. I then swooped up Ryan and while swinging him around the kitchen I told him we were going to have a baby. He was SO happy.
I was 5 weeks along and due December 27th 2011. I told my mom that day by skyping her with Ryan while he wore a shirt that said big brother on it (something I had bought almost a year before waiting for the day) At 8 weeks I told the rest of the world. I didnt have any strong impressions as to gender or names but I had thought for a while it was girl. We all did actually- Ryan even told us too. But July 11th we found out we were adding another baby boy and I was elated.
That still left the issue of our relationship. We didnt want to move back into the same house just because I was pregnant but at 6 weeks my morning sickness hit like a speeding train. I was out of commission and we knew from the last time it would last the rest of my pregnancy. At this point it was better to be together than apart. Over the course of the next 8 months we made the best we could out of our situation.
On December 30, 2011, at home with our new baby, Weston, just a few days old I started to witnessed a miracle. I continued to witness that miracle every day while hubs was on paternity leave. Something about that 6 pound baby boy healed us. He healed our family. We were whole once again and dang did it feel good. To this day I know that the Lord had a plan for us. It was much bigger than any of us realized while in the thick of it. Weston is our miracle in so many ways. We were not trying to get pregnant, and things were not good, and yet here we are. Happy, healthy, and loving each other more every day.
This is a lot to put out here on my blog but this time feels like its so far behind us. Sure life isn't perfect, we are a normal family with normal struggles but we are doing well. We are really happy.
(This has been sitting in my drafts for so long. Its hard word it right and I am rarely at a loss for words. I hope it all makes sense. Hubs and I have gone over it and over it. There is so much more I want to say but I have to end it for now, please only leave kind words)