part 1. the dream.

I have had a few posts about being overwhelmed, tired, and drowning lately. I try to be honest and upfront with myself. Sometimes I like to hide the pain or brush my struggles under the rug for every one else's sake but tonight I am diving in. Ripping off that band-aid. 1, 2, 3, GO.

These feelings have been buried so deep the last 3 years that its going to take some coaxing on my part to let them surface. I am sitting here with my fingers hovering ever so gently over my key board. Type a little, back space a lot. Type some more, the cycle keeps going. One of the topics in the 30 days challenge was "a hero that has let you down" I thought about that one for so long and it kept coming back to me, it wasn't a person at all like so many others listed. It was an idea, or more the dream of  my future.

White picket fence, shiny new SUV in the driveway, sexy husband with a bouquet of yellow roses in hand, beautiful/talented/amazing children all perfectly spaced in age, and a bank account with a lot of zeros.

This is what I have imagined and planned for in my head since I was a little girl dressing my Barbies in coordinating outfits. That's the life that would make everything better for me. If I could just be 18 and run away, find a man and make it all happen I would be happy. I didnt care about education, career, or work experience. I just wanted the white dress and some sparkle on my finger. And I wasnt going to stop until I got there.

Fast forward to a promise ring, an engagement ring, and then a wedding ring. All of those from different guys. I kept thinking he's the one, this time- this is it! Promise ring shipped out to Iraq and turned into someone I didnt even recognize. Engagement ring was a long drug out relationship where I did all the convincing that I was what he wanted, after breaking up and moving states he panicked and threw the ring at me just to save face. I broke it off 5 weeks later. Then there was wedding ring, you all know him.

Hubs and I got married in a whirl wind. With a 5 week engagement, a last minute dress I wasnt in love with, and little family by our side we took the plunge. 3 years, 1 child, 6 moves, 15 months living with my inlaws, welfare, unemployment, health scares, and countless car repairs later- here we are. Barbie would be running the other way in her 6 inch heals and mini skirt if she knew what the future held. We have laughed, cried, begged, yelled, held grudges, and forgave but we have so far to go.

I have been woken up by a slap in the face, or probably just the babe crying down the hall. What happened to my yellow roses and my freshly cut lawn? Wheres that damn SUV? (though I admit its a minivan now) I had this perfect image concocted in my head and its so hard, almost painful to let go of it and accept this is whats real. Its real that we fight, its real that Ryan cries all the time, its real that I am a better person on anti depressants, and that sometimes I wait til there are no more dishes and no more clean socks before I clean up the house. And even sometimes, we lie and break each others hearts.

Its also real that we covenanted with God, we married for eternity.

I am at a breaking point. We are both are. We have to dig deep, let go of the past 3 years and build a new foundation- brick by brick. We are learning to have realistic expectations and obtainable dreams, we are trying to find joy in our little apartment and our small savings account because its ours. We are realizing that the perfect people we portrayed while dating is far from the truth and now striving to know the soul and the heart of the person we share a bed with. Talents and shortcomings included. We are learning to be friends.

To be continued...