worn out mama

I wish I had some beautiful pictures or something lovely so say tonight. I am just so tired. I was feeling okay for a little bit there and now I am just dead and worn out! I had to tell my friend I wasnt able to watch her sweet little boy anymore too :( I am sad that he wont be coming over in the mornings but my belly is too big to hold babies and I am too exhausted an hour after I wake up to keep with the demands of 2 little boys right now.

I am trying to hard to keep a happy face for Ryan as "mommy happy!" is so important to him. He is the sweetest craziest boy ever and just wants everyone he is around to be in the best of moods. I feel like I am constantly failing him. I get short, I let the little things bug me, I get annoyed when he sits to close. And it kills me. I feel like a horrible mom most of the time and wish there was more I could do right now.

I keep telling myself to buck up but it aint happening easily. Between you and I dear friend, I am usually on some sort of mood stabilizing medication. I hate that I am a better person with a pill in the morning but its true. I cope better, I sleep better, I laugh easier,I focus better, I let things roll off my back. I took my medication without fear my whole first pregnancy and doubled the dose after Ryan was born to combat my postpartum depression. Then came the warning from the FDA that usage of SSRI's during pregnancy has shown to increase the risk of birth defects. So when I saw the positive pregnancy test this time I glanced over at the bottle on the counter and said a little prayer for me and my family for the next 8 months. I would be going without to give this boy the best chance at a healthy life.

Its been a struggle. When I feel myself sinking I cling to the little kicks I feel in my belly and know its for him. I am trying to be my best self and put my best foot forward for me, for my kids, and for the hubs who gets the brunt of all my crap. But if its okay to ask, I'd appreciate some good vibes and a prayer for us tonight.

I think we all just need a really big hug too. Or chocolate, which hubs just came home from the store with. Thank you babe.