lets talk about that first trimester

I will throw a party tomorrow, along with taking a 14 week belly shot but tonight there are a few things I want to reflect back upon. I wish I would have written down everything with my first pregnancy but I didnt blog much back then or have the outlook on it that I do now. There are so many things I remember but sadly there are so many things I have forgotten.

When I took a pregnancy test this time and it read pregnant, clear as day, I was in shock. We had been TTC off and on for almost a year and I had all but given up and changed my mind on adding to my family. I had a lot of processing to go through at the time and have spent the last 14 weeks getting used to the idea of being out numbered by my children.

I wanted this child there is no doubt about that. But once there was another little heart beat fluttering in my body and I spent my days either in bed or my head in the toilet I grew cold. I was expecting my heart to grow 4 sizes in an instant but this love is one that has grown slowly over time. This baby will change things for me, but most importantly- for my first baby, Ryan. He will no longer be my one and only. My focus and my time will have to be divided. I will have to share my arms and my heart with someone else. The baby wasnt even the size of a lemon and it was already driving a wedge. I didnt have the energy to sit on the floor and build a train set or to walk to the park. I didnt want to sit at the table and eat lunch with him because I was so sick. All of the things that made our days special couldnt happen. It broke his heart and mine. If it was happening already it was sure to get worse when the baby was actually here and I was back to nursing every few hours. I resented my body for taking me away from my first baby even though I knew that something miraculous was going on inside me.

I was scared and worried for myself. Ryan has given me a run for my money- he is no easy kid. Now I will have 2. I wont be able to nap every day. I wont be able to go on walks when I am feeling blue (December in the PNW!) I hope some serious natural abilities kick in because there are days where I dont think I am cut out for this mothering bit and now we are multiplying it by two. Since the first second I knew I was pregnant with Ryan I felt this undying, heavenly bond with him. I was overjoyed the entire 9 months. This time things are different and I dont know what to do with it. I am scared I wont do a good job and I am scared I dont have enough love and enough emotional energy to give them BOTH what they need. And this coming from the woman who wanted dozens of children? Yeah, I know.

I am grateful to the Lord and the body He's blessed me with. I can bear children when many women cannot. I am grateful that at 11 weeks I had an ultrasound and saw the little person, not sack or blob, that was taking me away. I am grateful that last week I felt the first little fluttery kick of our Jelly Bean. It has helped me embrace the change that our family is undergoing. Looking back its embarrassing to admit the hard time I have had this first trimester. All of the fears and doubts really took my by surprise for sure. Luckily I am not as sick and some of my energy is starting to come back. I am ready to spend the next few months with just my little man and watch my heart grow along with my belly.

So cheers to the second trimester, it is a very welcomed time. Good things are to come.