30 weeks a reality check

...................................... I have so many things I want to say, as I am driving down the road listening to Ryan sing about elmo in the back seat it all comes to me. The second I sit down to let the thoughts pour out, they freeze. Its mentally exhausting to keep it all inside when my brain is going every which way at all times. Its even more exhausting at times like these to make sense of it all in the form of written word.

I am really good at crying about it though, ask husband. I had a nice little session last night and it felt good. It was a big nasty ugly cry too, not the cute pat my eyes so my make up doesnt run kind. Snotty nose, messy hair. Yeah it was perfect.

I am 30.5 weeks pregnant as we sit here and I as I laid on the ultrasound table this week I heard words I have never heard directed at me during pregnancy. "He is head down in the birthing position." My arms shot up in a touchdown. Heck yeah baby! This is what I wanted... right? I wanted a VBAC, I wanted to experience birth the other way, the way I never did with Ryan. I had prepared myself the last few months for another c section when week after week baby boy was stuck in the breech position. I had gone down this road with Ryan before. I had even picked a delivery date for this little guy.

But now that a VBAC is actually possible and in my very near future I am petrified. I hate not knowing and waiting around. I hate the uncertainty, I hate not knowing exactly when this baby will come. I hate the fact that I am sacred of it.

With so much uncertainty now of WHEN he would be coming I started looking around and making metal notes of all the things I need and want to get done. Natural nesting of course. Re paint bookshelves, hang curtains, get emergency kits put together, and so on. I have been taking care of my little family okay for the last 8 months. I do the laundry, I make sure there is food in the fridge but anything above and beyond basic needs has been put off for some other day. That other day is here. This baby could come in 4 weeks (my mother was about that early with all her babes) or he could come in 10. The term panic only begins to describe my feelings.

Its like my world is crashing down around me.Is it possible for postpartum depression to start while the baby is still in utero? I feel like it kicked in the morning of week 28 and the start of my 3rd trimester. I was expecting if after but this is another loop I have been thrown and its knocking me off my feet. I have whined relentlessly about hating being pregnant and wanting to be done and have him here already but now I just wish I could buy more time. More time to get my home in order, more time to get myself figured out (what kind of mom do I really want to be anyway?) and more time with my first baby.

I feel like I need 10 more years with just Ryan. He is back to not sleeping and its wearing on all of us so badly. I have morning all day sickness again and heartburn to boot, not to mention a very active 3 pound baby taking up space in my midsection. I cant run on no sleep. I am stressed, I am scared for the future, I am constantly worried I am ruining the child I already have.

And that is a portion of whats on my mind as I am driving down the road. Pray that we all get some sleep tonight, this mama needs rest.

xoxo