4 months and counting

In just under four short months this sweet little babe I grew in my womb and rocked to sleep every night will be 2 years old. It blows my mind how fleeting the moments seem. All the sleepless nights, all the hours spent breastfeeding, the cheers for first bites and first steps. Tears well up in my eyes every afternoon around 1pm when we climb in my well worn rocking chair and sing "They Wanted Me" Ryan holding on ever so tightly to his tag blanket, sippy cup, and my heart.

We have gone through many hard things these last two years, things that have stretched me to the edge of what I thought was possible and molded me into a woman of faith and fire. I have never had more hope, more fear, more joy, or more love. The three of us have survived silent reflux- undiagnosed for nearly 4 months, 16 teeth in 12 months, H1N1 for mommy and baby, 2nd degree burns on both his legs, blue lips and the Heimlich from chocking on lunch, breath holding spells, night terrors, a stomach bug that came out of both ends for 3 days, and the list goes on.

And now the possibility that our little sweet boy has high functioning autism. Aspergers to be more exact. We are taking the approach of what doesnt kill me makes me stronger. In the last 6 months we have seen the rapid decline in our boy. Violent temper tantrums, OCD behavior, lack of eye contact, panic attacks that bring on hives, and the thing that set us off- no talking. Looking back this summer I was a proud beaming mama! My boy had nearly 20 words in English and ASL combined. He was learning new things everyday and amazed us at every turn with his Einstein like intelligence. Til the beginning of September when he zipped his lips and started to shut down. I had said the word to myself once in the hall way watching him head bang and pull his hair out but then we would go on to live a completely normal day full of tickle fights and Eskimo kisses. But then his brain was still developing at a rapid rate, he was doing things we never taught him, he was figuring out complex things far beyond his age. He was either here or not at all. Aspergers runs in my family and so last week we met with his Pediatrician to discuss what was going on. She out ruled full blown Autism but referred us to Occupational Therapy to get a better assessment.

It was a blow to the gut, the kind you see in the movies when they get hit full force then writhe on the ground in pain, grasping for air. I felt my world crumbling underneath me. But this boy, all 23 pounds of him, gave me wings. Looking at those bright blue eyes so full of wisdom and faith in his parents saved me from a moment of despair. After all he is my reason for being. He needs me just as much as I need him.

The sweetest words of comfort came from my husband as we held each other and let the tears fall where they may. He is our boy and we love him, we would never want him any different than he is. He is incredible.

"My mommy and daddy wanted me

 to come and be part of their family

they love me and they tell me so

and in my heart I really know

they wanted me

they wanted me

to come and be part of their family"