just breathe

Tonight Kelle talked about running. 

      "It's one of those things. Like church is to some people. Or getting tickets to the symphony. Or watching a sunset. Or drinking wine. It's one of those things that opens up my senses, creates a zone, pulls me out into this bird's eye view where, with every whoosh-whoosh of my breath, every thump-thump of the soles of my shoes to the pavement, every beat of my throbbing pulse...I'm in deep thought. About life. All the crap. All the good stuff. All the dreams and how to get there. And running--burning through that painful place where your sides ache and your breath is deep and your legs are screaming and yet you still pace through the strides--it's a brilliant microcosm of the greater picture."

Dang lady, I need to run more. Its been weeks since I have felt that free, that happy and spirited. I have let life kick me down and drag me around in the mud for a while. I dont like being dirty. 

I have been having horrible headaches since Ryan was born and after being handed a prescription and brushed off by the doctor I just accepted that was my fate, to have my eyes black out after 9pm and always feel like someone is squeezing them from behind with their grubby little hands. During a routine eye exam 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with papilledema- swollen optic nerves from intracranial pressure. Yeah, no thank you. After being whisked in to my regular doctor, then rushed to a MRI hours later, and after a nervous breakdown- 
I do NOT have a tumor. 

Great news, thank goodness. It was the worst 2 weeks ever, wondering if I had some sort of growth that would turn into cancer, would I be the wife who has to tell her husband that I might not be around? Would I be the bald friend while I went through chemo? Oh of course I took this all a little to the extreme but I have seen it happen to far too many people, even friends of mine. And it could have happened to me. I have an appointment on Friday with the neurologist to see just what is causing all the pain and swelling. Not to mention I get new glasses. Goodbye, Ryans college savings. OUCH those are expensive. 

To top it all off over the weekend I miscarried a pregnancy, I am guessing about 5 weeks gestation, I didnt even realize I was pregnant. But when the cramping and contractions started and all the other lovely things that happen I knew what it was.. I had read about this kind of thing before and now I knew what it felt like. I wish I never had to feel that way. 

 If you are my mother and you are reading this wondering why the heck I didnt say something, sorry I didnt say ANYTHING to anyone.

I didnt say anything to the hubs right away, I shut down all emotions and just ran on auto pilot. When I finally told him why I acted and looked like a zombie tears came to his eyes, he told me he knew I was pregnant for a week and was waiting to say something til I knew it too. So in essence this was almost harder on him. My heart broke for him as we both cried in each others arms. 

To everyone who has miscarried or had a child still born- my heart breaks for you. I wish that none of us has this connection to one another but then when things get hard and I start to break down I think of you, who have had positive pregnancy tests and have bought the onesies, told all your family and then had to break the news that a baby wasnt coming after all. I think of you who have had to bury you babies before they even had a chance of life here on earth. Each of you carry a strength and power that is so unique and is so simply sweet. I cherish you. 

I am recovering slowly, physically I still hurt but emotionally I feel myself getting stronger. Its been a horrible month I never want to repeat. It was so hard to see all of my friends and plaster on a big smile because no one likes to talk about the bad stuff, the stuff that makes us cry those sad tears. So I just waited til it started to pass and tonight...

I heard the most beautiful sound, it was one of those tender mercies from the Lord we so often hear about. The hubs and monkey were getting ready for bed, I finally started to do my wifey things like dishes and picking up the house again (thank you babe for picking up the slack the last while) and while I hustled and bustled in the kitchen I could hear my two boys in down the hall singing 

"brushin' the teeth, brushin' the teeth!"

It was music to my ears. I looked down at the empty sink that minutes ago was 

filled with dishes and just breathed in and out. A huge sigh of relief came over me and I knew my life was good. All the pain of this month, all the worrying and sleepless nights were in the past and I were starting anew. I look forward to the morning when I can see the sun shining though my windows and hear my son running down the hallway ready to cover me in kisses. I look forward to healing.

Tender mercies are good, life is good.