10 reasons why I could never be friends with.....
Dont get me wrong I am completely in love with Angelina Jolie but if we were besties we would have some issues-
Coveting. She would probably always be coveting my hot husband, wishing she was with him instead of her Brad. Well then again we could just switch if it would make her happy. I could make that sacrifice for her. Maybe.
2 things. The twins, the ones that go in a bra. Helloooo.
I would always compare my little thin lips to her big, luscious, perfectly formed, heavenly to kiss lips. I would always talk about how I have less lip to spill food on and therefore saving the planet one napkin at a time. I would talk about saving so much money on chap stick or lip gloss. Which might not make her jealous because she has enough money to go around- but it would make her think twice.
I would be a bad friend because when we would go to the tattoo parlor to get her some new ink instead of being there to hold her hand and crack jokes about a miss spelled word with the tattoo artist I would be sitting in the back turning green, trying not to pass out.
She would wish she was short like me instead of a tall, legs to the ceiling, amazon model, like her. It would create bad feelings between the two of us.
We would both covet each others lives as mothers. Me with my one child, her with 6. She would wish she had less diapers to change, less luggage when she traveled, and of course more time on her hands. I would wish that I could raise 6 precious babes and love each one of their snotty noses, and stinky butts.
Then again I would have 6 kids under 7 and I might have to take up a bad habit with a liquor bottle to cope with that kind of chaos.
Travel. She would always invite me on her wild and wonderful world excursions but I would have to decline. I dont have a current passport.
I would always talk about how wonderful it is to clean my own house, make my own meals, and do my own laundry. I would say how rewarding it is, how it makes me feel accomplished, and burns lots of calories. She would then feel lazy and useless because she hires out. She would grow in resentment of my lifestyle and we would have some big falling out.
When we planned our kids birthday parties together we would never be able to agree on anything. I would get lucky and have small affairs with a few friends and family. Less mouths to feed, no pressure to have a circus tent and the Jonas Brothers perform. She would be so stressed trying to make sure that the cake was brought in via helicopter, and that Jen Aniston stayed the heck away- that she would have no time to relax like I could. She would be angry at me for my easy going approach that would never work for the paparazzi.
I will rock the car pool with my Toyota Sienna, packed with extra goldfish, spare basketballs and soccer cleats spilling out the doors, and last weeks chocolate milk spilled in the back seat. She would never get to belt out the latest Taylor Swift melody, change a diaper in the trunk, or try to teach a 15 year old how to navigate through orange cones while yelling at the other ones to put on the dvd headphones and shut up. I dont think her driver or private jet pilot know all the verses to wheels on the bus. She would know by watching me juggle car seats, grocery bags and 4 days worth of mail that she is missing out on something magical. It would cause a cat fight in the drive way.
See Angelina, as cool and friggin' hot as you are it just wouldnt work with us. I know you are dying to be my friend but we have too many things that would come between us. I still love you though, forever and ever no matter what.