Thursday, January 20, 2011

4 months and counting

In just under four short months this sweet little babe I grew in my womb and rocked to sleep every night will be 2 years old. It blows my mind how fleeting the moments seem. All the sleepless nights, all the hours spent breastfeeding, the cheers for first bites and first steps. Tears well up in my eyes every afternoon around 1pm when we climb in my well worn rocking chair and sing "They Wanted Me" Ryan holding on ever so tightly to his tag blanket, sippy cup, and my heart.

We have gone through many hard things these last two years, things that have stretched me to the edge of what I thought was possible and molded me into a woman of faith and fire. I have never had more hope, more fear, more joy, or more love. The three of us have survived silent reflux- undiagnosed for nearly 4 months, 16 teeth in 12 months, H1N1 for mommy and baby, 2nd degree burns on both his legs, blue lips and the Heimlich from chocking on lunch, breath holding spells, night terrors, a stomach bug that came out of both ends for 3 days, and the list goes on.


And now the possibility that our little sweet boy has high functioning autism. Aspergers to be more exact. We are taking the approach of what doesnt kill me makes me stronger. In the last 6 months we have seen the rapid decline in our boy. Violent temper tantrums, OCD behavior, lack of eye contact, panic attacks that bring on hives, and the thing that set us off- no talking. Looking back this summer I was a proud beaming mama! My boy had nearly 20 words in English and ASL combined. He was learning new things everyday and amazed us at every turn with his Einstein like intelligence. Til the beginning of September when he zipped his lips and started to shut down. I had said the word to myself once in the hall way watching him head bang and pull his hair out but then we would go on to live a completely normal day full of tickle fights and Eskimo kisses. But then his brain was still developing at a rapid rate, he was doing things we never taught him, he was figuring out complex things far beyond his age. He was either here or not at all. Aspergers runs in my family and so last week we met with his Pediatrician to discuss what was going on. She out ruled full blown Autism but referred us to Occupational Therapy to get a better assessment.

It was a blow to the gut, the kind you see in the movies when they get hit full force then writhe on the ground in pain, grasping for air. I felt my world crumbling underneath me. But this boy, all 23 pounds of him, gave me wings. Looking at those bright blue eyes so full of wisdom and faith in his parents saved me from a moment of despair. After all he is my reason for being. He needs me just as much as I need him.
The sweetest words of comfort came from my husband as we held each other and let the tears fall where they may. He is our boy and we love him, we would never want him any different than he is. He is incredible.

"My mommy and daddy wanted me
 to come and be part of their family
they love me and they tell me so
and in my heart I really know
they wanted me
they wanted me
to come and be part of their family"


Photobucket

10 comments:

Alexis Blackner said...

OH Lauren, you bring tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for this hard time. Please text me or call me and let me know what you find out. I know I am far but let me know if I can do anything!!! LOTS OF PRAYERS....

Shawntae said...

ughhh i am sooo sorry Lauren! Let me know what the occupational therapist says. We love you both!

Ryan and Meagan said...

Powerful blog post! I am so sorry Lauren. That little Ryan of yours is so amazing. I can't get over his cuteness! Hang in there. Remember that the blog world is super powerful and I know that you can find insight on what to do and how to help. We're all here for you girl!

Tyson and Dani Todd said...

What a post to begin my day with! I never knew anything about autism until I worked with a few autistic kids 5 years ago. It was difficult, but I felt such a strong spirit from them both!! You're a very strong woman- -and Ryan is blessed to have you for his mother! Albeit hard to swallow, I hope it feels comforting knowing what his diagnosis is- - -he is an adorable little boy. You inspire me!

Chelsea said...

Such a sweet song. Glad you sing it too! Keep me posted, and hang in there!

Linkie Lueville said...

Oh Lauren, I'm so sorry. And by sorry, I mean a little more like empathetic. Sorry, to me, implies that this is bad, and I wish it wasn't happening. Ryan is an amazing little boy and is exactly the way he's supposed to be. Clearly you and your husband know that. It's definitely going to be difficult at times, but i know that you'll make the right choices to embrace Ryan, and make him the best little man that he can be! And i can't wait to have a photo excursion this spring with your guys!

Tiffany D. said...

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this right now. While we had Chloe being tested for all sorts of things because of her speech, my cousin's little boy was being tested as well. So far, they haven't found anything with Chloe, other than a speech delay. But my cousin's little boy was diagnosed with Aspergers. I know she's been dealing with so many doctors, hospitals, tests, and therapies. But she did tell me, of all the different types of Autism out there, Aspergers is the 'best' one to have. You're such a strong person and just like you said, this will only make you stronger. You and your family will be in our prayers!

Kayli said...

Lauren,
Your post made me cry. You are so strong and have been through so much.

Rachel said...

You are one strong woman. And you have a beautiful baby boy. Your little family is such an inspiration

Tasha said...

Ryan is an amazing little boy and you are a wonderful Mother! The strength you have is inspirational and encouraging! I will be keeping your family in my prayers!

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