Monday, June 27, 2011

lets talk about that first trimester

I will throw a party tomorrow, along with taking a 14 week belly shot but tonight there are a few things I want to reflect back upon. I wish I would have written down everything with my first pregnancy but I didnt blog much back then or have the outlook on it that I do now. There are so many things I remember but sadly there are so many things I have forgotten.

When I took a pregnancy test this time and it read pregnant, clear as day, I was in shock. We had been TTC off and on for almost a year and I had all but given up and changed my mind on adding to my family. I had a lot of processing to go through at the time and have spent the last 14 weeks getting used to the idea of being out numbered by my children.


I wanted this child there is no doubt about that. But once there was another little heart beat fluttering in my body and I spent my days either in bed or my head in the toilet I grew cold. I was expecting my heart to grow 4 sizes in an instant but this love is one that has grown slowly over time. This baby will change things for me, but most importantly- for my first baby, Ryan. He will no longer be my one and only. My focus and my time will have to be divided. I will have to share my arms and my heart with someone else. The baby wasnt even the size of a lemon and it was already driving a wedge. I didnt have the energy to sit on the floor and build a train set or to walk to the park. I didnt want to sit at the table and eat lunch with him because I was so sick. All of the things that made our days special couldnt happen. It broke his heart and mine. If it was happening already it was sure to get worse when the baby was actually here and I was back to nursing every few hours. I resented my body for taking me away from my first baby even though I knew that something miraculous was going on inside me.

I was scared and worried for myself. Ryan has given me a run for my money- he is no easy kid. Now I will have 2. I wont be able to nap every day. I wont be able to go on walks when I am feeling blue (December in the PNW!) I hope some serious natural abilities kick in because there are days where I dont think I am cut out for this mothering bit and now we are multiplying it by two. Since the first second I knew I was pregnant with Ryan I felt this undying, heavenly bond with him. I was overjoyed the entire 9 months. This time things are different and I dont know what to do with it. I am scared I wont do a good job and I am scared I dont have enough love and enough emotional energy to give them BOTH what they need. And this coming from the woman who wanted dozens of children? Yeah, I know.

I am grateful to the Lord and the body He's blessed me with. I can bear children when many women cannot. I am grateful that at 11 weeks I had an ultrasound and saw the little person, not sack or blob, that was taking me away. I am grateful that last week I felt the first little fluttery kick of our Jelly Bean. It has helped me embrace the change that our family is undergoing. Looking back its embarrassing to admit the hard time I have had this first trimester. All of the fears and doubts really took my by surprise for sure. Luckily I am not as sick and some of my energy is starting to come back. I am ready to spend the next few months with just my little man and watch my heart grow along with my belly.

So cheers to the second trimester, it is a very welcomed time. Good things are to come.

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9 comments:

Beth Riley said...

I'm not sure where I hear this, maybe a storybook. Anyways a mama about to have a second baby wondered if she could love the second as much as the first. The first had 100% of her heart. Once the babe was born, she found that instead of dividing her heart 50/50, her heart grew to a capacity of 200%. Each child got 100% of her heart. After all, mamas are superheroes who can grow babies and love them just the same. I know you can do it Lauren!

Etosia (e-tasha) said...

I can only imagine how scarey it must be to have more than 1! My older sister had 4 in 6 years and somedays i don't know how she is still sane! But she loves all of her babies soooooo much! I agree with what beth said above!Happy 2nd semester!!!

yamilovesemma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
yamilovesemma said...

I love Beth's comment. I'm sure that's the way you're feeling just now,I know, it's like a guilty feeling but it goes away. You'll see once you have the 2nd one....
I have a 15months old and when she was 12 i got pegnant and I felt just like you, then once I accepted it and I was happy and Ok with it I had a miscarriage, don't think negative please....

nicole. said...

aw seriously beth's comment was perfect. your ability to love and handle both of your children will impress you.

super mama after all, right?

Courtney K. said...

I absolutely love how honest you are here. I love that you've addressed some of the things that I fear when it comes to adding another child to our family. But you CAN do it! And you are a great mother, and will continue to be. :)

Danielle said...

I love what the first commenter said about your heart gaining 200% capacity to love. That gives me hope because I feel for you with the overwhelming fear of 2 children. You will be great, I know it!!! And Ryan will be a wonderful big brother =0)

the mom diggity said...

The first trimester is TOUGH. Shoot...pregnant with a toddler is just tough. As much of a joy it is to carry a child, it's not easy at all. Everything changes and it becomes so difficult to do the little things you normally do with your kiddo. I pray you find TONS of energy and can really enjoy Ryan over these next few months before the baby comes!!!! Hugs girlfriend!

Daren and Andrea said...

I need to get a hold of the book that your friend is talking about...
I feel the exact same way as you. I'm not expecting. But just thinking about a second one terrifies me. I will miss it being just me and Brynn. I know some may think it's a selfish thought but it's how I feel.

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